Rain at the cabin

 You asked me to write you a note a love letter a message from my heart is what you asked me to write. I didn’t like telling you I had to wait for my muse but I knew it was the only right answer to let you know I wasn’t going to phone it in and make up some BS just to put a smile on your face.

 

In many ways I have turned off my heart to be able to withstand the waves of punishment that the univers forces those who are builing great things to walk through at times punging our heads below the rithing surf. Other time tikiling our ankels with the out flow of sea foam to pull on the thread in the back of your mind that that may be a sunomy staning in the backround ready to crush your whole world in one sweep of the authors great pen.

 

So my muse hit like birk today

 

I was watching openhumer at work killing time tell nifc called and there is this moment where I was paying attention but not ingorsed in the move where his wife pops on screen pregnatnt and I was. Swallowed in sadness and I didn’t know why……

 

It didn’t take long for my mind to dig thought he feeling and find the root that tide me to something I keep locked down somewhere in the back round I know its there I just don’t let it out of its box.

 

I am sad you wont get to be a mother to the doaghet we would have rased the woman that would hold your and at the end and prase you for the mother she got to have and that it only because I cant make life with you one more time. I wipe the tears from my face knowing we agreed and it took you far to close to the clif each time carrier our sons. But you diserved a little girl that you could rase into the most spectauler woman. You had some much to give and the world will always be alittle darker not having your daughter in it to replace the love that will die out some day when your light fades.

 

This all is coming from a place where I feel more disconnected to my parents then I have ever felt ever before I love my dad but something is broken I don’t love him the way B hugged me the day I came to the caben with the rodies and I don’t know if its only now that I can self admit I haven’t loved him like that sence I as 17. And that  I may only fee that love again once he is gone and that truly could be any day and I don’t think I can fix it. Holding your hand as you deal with the loss of your father only helps me to understand there is never a way to prepare for the vacume that loss leaves you only shrink how much of your life stays sucked into its loss it never stops pulling on your thoughts and emotions it forever has one hock in our thoughts.

 

Im sorry this letter isn’t the sweet pros of a devoted love sick boy.

 

But I can tell you this is the true love of  a man that will trust you with the only wepan that can hurt him. Many people fail to ever learn we are not tuly trusted tell people hand over the tool to unravel the other person that the blind trust that is given knowing there is nothing left to hid behind once they know the full deth of there soul. Well theres nothing im afraid of in this life other then losing you and our sons I have small panica attachs ever so often and have to put down the dark thoughts that anything bad can happen you three. I never let them win and I crush them with all my might but I always expet that I wont waste one day showing you three how much I love you and what happies I am blessed with getting to be the leader  of our home and the responsibility to never let you donw. But I don’t get a vote of how our author gets to scribble out our story so I can only ever hope to earn the love of those around me to make it worth it.

 

I love you tell the end of time and I man that in the most direct sence we as simple mortles will ever get to know. Meet me there and ill prove how hounest have always been.