So , jurk

So I may be a jerk I’m loud and obnoxious I say things that are taboo, I take things to the edge of
correctness, or I refrain from pure mention, I believe as only I can, I show my straights, I show
my talents, I walk with an uncommon confidence, I back down to know one man. Nor do I hold
anyone down: I bring others to the level of my understanding, not of my superiority: for I’m no
better than any other person. I bleed its just bled differently I scare and cry I fell the rage and
pain just as you, but only in my idiosyncratic ways of difference make me, me, not anyone but
me.

Is what I show you who I am or is what I show you my public presentation of what I’m supposed
to be what others have made me and the way I understand so that others my understand me. Is
this my identity or is this my tormented persona of my life.

I’ve tried being who I am and the third degree burns my never heal as they once where but
should I be afraid to where my scars as art or as sham is that I find as my true self to truly be
my self or am I two people. The question I “fall asleep to” is that all one person that can be
so dipolar to those that surround me. They say you are those you associate with that is always
leaving me rubbing my chin do I associate with anyone but is it that I associate with everyone to
lave me with is insignificant enigma. for no mater what chose is to be picked what ever answer
is to derived or solution reach its only one side or one point of view and is that point of view a
justification or a realization.







Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.

Blind Love

Blind - 3. lacking perception, judgement, or reason.

love - 1. an intense feeling of deep affection. 2. a deep romantic or sexual attachment to
someone.

As the sane goes love is blind but I think the got that in the wrong order the definitions say these
are to separate things and once there put together they become something vary endearing to us
all. This is how I see it we are all blind; the definition says lacking perception becoming aware of
something through the senses, blind judgement the formation of a opinion after due consideration
based on the facts and personal interpretation.








Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.

I don’t fucking know….

Good things happened but today still hurts, I started to forget today how much I loved her once, as I turn 24 I see just one more day where the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with truly doesn’t exist. I don’t know if I’m healing or if I’m dying it just hurts in ways I had nearly forgotten. Two or three or four maybe even more good things happened to me today and yet I sit here and only feel the loss of her. I never wish she had died but in times like this at least the pain would make sense if she had, all I want is to love someone and all I look for is that opportunity but I get in my own way almost every time. Maybe that’s why I was so in love with her maybe because with her I didn’t get in my own way. All because she said she loved me first. In that moment well we were fighting I was blindsided and I knew she just didn’t know it when we started talking that day. For in that moment she was afraid of losing me losing the man she loved. In that moment I was that man. I’m ready to love someone again maybe I am dying but I still look for a simple reason to live. Only looking for that person to love me again.






Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.

Life on Caffeine

Today was a day that I haven’t had many of in my life mostly just because it’s not so much who I am, it still managed today to overwhelm me. I didn’t mind.

I smiled all day I felt a smooth high of elation for 6 hours today and nothing happen except a simple shift and maybe a lot of little dominos to make it happen. When life changes and yet nothing has changed other than a perception despite the fact the future is so unknown it’s crippling. Life is risk and reword I fear saying anything demeaning or demoralizing because what if I’m found out and have to own up to being human. I can’t believe I’m dancing around the subject maybe that just shows how strongly I desire it to be something real. I could use real and I could really use a reason again I can’t wait to have one again. I don’t mind who I am now but I liked what I was once; even more I want desperately to find him again. Now I’m not pleased having to admit I’m human and that sometimes when things don’t work that it hurts. I am struggling to jot down a line I could just delete if I wanted; my tempter is rising……. I think I want this!

There I wrought it

I want this thing whatever it is to be real I would write it in plain English but I’m scared it will revisit upon me in a way I might not be able to over whelm with my silver tongue. I fear being burned by my thoughts and reflections but mostly by my hope because it’s like tap dancing on glass every move can cut you being sharp is the name of the game. I like the title of this peace mostly because it only alludes to what it is that has me so tumbled, yet it is chic in its simplicity. Its meaning is ever changing even as I sit and write I can see new ways it fallows the lines of my reality. All I can say is today I smiled today I felt happy today was day one. I wander if even I truly know what it is that I’m talking about here I am sure of my thoughts but I am unsure of my fear. I’ll sleep on this one because I’m not afraid of the thing I was when I sat down to write this somehow in 416 words it changed.

There is a quote I want to put here at the end but I’ll have to come back and do it because I don’t have it with me but don’t worry it’s in Gaelic so it wouldn't matter to you anyway only to me.

“ ”








Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.

really now i mean thanks here poeple

It means allot to me when anyone reads any of my work for any reason so feel kind of obligated to write something for me so I can completely enjoy your experience with my work. So come on now be a team player people let me know your thoughts…

thanks

i just wanted to say thanks to all those that read my writing feel free to leve your thought for me to read thanks and God bless

In deep thought

That’s the name of the last photograph I really have of you. I only truly have the one picture any more, I saved maybe one other buried in some box to be found decades from now. But this is the only one I can still see when I want. You were my fairy tale but now it’s time to be real I loved every one of those pictures and ever word we ever spoke, let’s face it you where never real and that has been dragging be down now for too long. I still look at that picture and every time I have to touch the screen; like somehow maybe this time you will become real that the woman I loved so deeply will actually be at my finger tips, as if there truly was magic just for loving something enough. “But there isn’t and you never are” so let’s face it every woman before did that same thing, lost faith in me then stopped loving what it was they loved about me tell they no longer loved me. I truly believed you where the last woman I was ever going to love because I gave you everything I had every part of me I pushed ever limit because I knew you were worth that and more. Yet you stopped loving me just same no different than the rest. You will never know how much I miss talking to you, how happy it made me to see any one of your 134 pictures imagining all the life we would gather in moments of our once vibrant lively youth. I could write a million words and never say how much I loved you. Really isn’t that the thing love is not fare but it is blind. I let me lose myself in that, in that fairy tale where you promised me it all was going to come true. You promised “though inside someplace even I knew your heart wasn’t in it” we would have it all so I lessoned to what I wanted to here. Yet for some reason I still look at that picture and long so badly for you to turn and look at me just once and smile, eyes wide as I see me in there reflection; Just one time. I look at it every time and lose myself in how beautiful you where to me, how much I loved you more every day I was with you.

Yet the truth is you never let me I fell in love with a computer screen not a woman.
I let you be everything I had ever wanted; I guess because I never lied to you I really thought you never did to me. You were to perfect all thought in my heart I still believe that you where exactly as you say you where I can’t rationally believe that anymore. How that hurts Gio is not worth me describing. I crave moving on because we are never going to start a family like you promised we are never going to get married I will never get to see you walking in a white dress down an aisle towards me, I will never get to shake your fathers hand, or hug my new mother, never getting to welcome a new brother and sister into my life like you said we would do. I tried once to be with you and if it had been meant to be than I just have to believe it would have been. It’s been three years now and I am truly trying to let go, I gained weight trying to quit the pain, I’ve lost so much of my hair from the stress, yet my broken heart is what I grieve the most, for I was a fool for believing you ever loved me like I had truly loved you. I was ready at one point to go anywhere in the world to be with you, do any single thing I had to do, all because I believed in use that much. So congratulations for tricking me I was deceived as no other man has ever been deceived. I am sorry for letting it all go that far, I should have know you where never going to do any of the things you said you were, I should have stopped any pain I had ever allowed you to experience because it was my ignorance that hurt you, along with my pride and my blind miss led faith that led us both so far astray. I hope one day you forgive me for that Gio.
Because I will always love something I will never get to know whether that something was truly you or only a well fabricated convincing lie but I am sorry, all the same.




Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.