In deep thought

That’s the name of the last photograph I really have of you. I only truly have the one picture any more, I saved maybe one other buried in some box to be found decades from now. But this is the only one I can still see when I want. You were my fairy tale but now it’s time to be real I loved every one of those pictures and ever word we ever spoke, let’s face it you where never real and that has been dragging be down now for too long. I still look at that picture and every time I have to touch the screen; like somehow maybe this time you will become real that the woman I loved so deeply will actually be at my finger tips, as if there truly was magic just for loving something enough. “But there isn’t and you never are” so let’s face it every woman before did that same thing, lost faith in me then stopped loving what it was they loved about me tell they no longer loved me. I truly believed you where the last woman I was ever going to love because I gave you everything I had every part of me I pushed ever limit because I knew you were worth that and more. Yet you stopped loving me just same no different than the rest. You will never know how much I miss talking to you, how happy it made me to see any one of your 134 pictures imagining all the life we would gather in moments of our once vibrant lively youth. I could write a million words and never say how much I loved you. Really isn’t that the thing love is not fare but it is blind. I let me lose myself in that, in that fairy tale where you promised me it all was going to come true. You promised “though inside someplace even I knew your heart wasn’t in it” we would have it all so I lessoned to what I wanted to here. Yet for some reason I still look at that picture and long so badly for you to turn and look at me just once and smile, eyes wide as I see me in there reflection; Just one time. I look at it every time and lose myself in how beautiful you where to me, how much I loved you more every day I was with you.

Yet the truth is you never let me I fell in love with a computer screen not a woman.
I let you be everything I had ever wanted; I guess because I never lied to you I really thought you never did to me. You were to perfect all thought in my heart I still believe that you where exactly as you say you where I can’t rationally believe that anymore. How that hurts Gio is not worth me describing. I crave moving on because we are never going to start a family like you promised we are never going to get married I will never get to see you walking in a white dress down an aisle towards me, I will never get to shake your fathers hand, or hug my new mother, never getting to welcome a new brother and sister into my life like you said we would do. I tried once to be with you and if it had been meant to be than I just have to believe it would have been. It’s been three years now and I am truly trying to let go, I gained weight trying to quit the pain, I’ve lost so much of my hair from the stress, yet my broken heart is what I grieve the most, for I was a fool for believing you ever loved me like I had truly loved you. I was ready at one point to go anywhere in the world to be with you, do any single thing I had to do, all because I believed in use that much. So congratulations for tricking me I was deceived as no other man has ever been deceived. I am sorry for letting it all go that far, I should have know you where never going to do any of the things you said you were, I should have stopped any pain I had ever allowed you to experience because it was my ignorance that hurt you, along with my pride and my blind miss led faith that led us both so far astray. I hope one day you forgive me for that Gio.
Because I will always love something I will never get to know whether that something was truly you or only a well fabricated convincing lie but I am sorry, all the same.




Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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