Ears open yet the sound of silence is all I hear.

Its not my first run in with heart break, its hard to chose the words I want. My heart has stopped talking to me like it once did, the sadness is all round me. I just want to learn how to be happy. I would have loved to go back and tell that girl that I never liked her and at 16 never have known how much I was missing out on. If I could just talk to that kid to tell him how happy ignorance could make him compared to this man he would grow up to be. If that kid could have known how easy it would be just to want love and never know how much it hurts to deal with the pain that flows like a stream. It some how never flows at the same pace like a spring run off it over flows its banks leting out to much to be handled, to the days where you thought the pain had stopped in the heat of summer with almost no pain running my heart feels almost like it wasn’t broken before. But its just like a stream ever since the first time I was left behind, the pain has never stopped flowing I have at times felt more joy and happiness then the ache of a broken heart, sadly I haven’t found how to find that kind of bliss with my own life with out someone else. I feel the shards of my shattered heart pulsing through my veins making it harder everyday just be happy, to find the bright side of life, I know there is always one I just can’t seem to keep my eyes open long enough to see them the pain coming and going in every moment each days rithem diffent then the days befor. I pray to God to help me find the way to be happy with my self to not need that other half of me, its been 16 years and I still must be doing something wrong, or why else would God keep letting these people come into my life letting me grow deeply in love with them and have to watch as they leave, I must be doing something wrong or why would I still want to find that inner peace each morning waking up still not finding what I have been looking for. Why would they keep leaving if I wasn’t the one that was broken. I just want to fix what ever is wrong with me because rejections isn’t that hard to take but I don’t want to live this life alone, or hell I could come to terms with that life if only I could know that no one would ever want to settle down with me I could do, that I could. I could find a satisfaction in that if just could come to terms with never having that best friend that wants to be there with me in the hardest of times and love me in the best of times. That that person would look in my heart and see I want to be the father to the most precise gift God gives that of a child. I could let that all go if only I could know, really it’s the hope that is just crushing me I can stand the pain but the thought I will just go through this cycle of "hey I make you happy then you see I’m not the one" so then you move on, that I could just be a stepping stone to there real knight in shining armor. I’m just bitter and tired of trying to love people that end up finding i'm just not “HIM”. I wish you could understand how angry I am but really its because I’m not able to be the other half of someone, its just that I can’t fill that missing part of them like its missing in me, that someone is dealing with something like this and it's me not being there that is hurting her and I don’t even know how to fix it, God hear my prayer.










Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.

In a brief moment

It always starts simple enough I haven’t had one this strong in a long time, I looked down at the end of the movie and there she was, Brittney. It was dark but that was the same it was the same, for a moment I posed not knowingly but as a reaction of surprise. As the lights came up it was clear it wasn’t her. That hair was the same I knew that I can still see it. There was always something delicate about it when she was mine and I was close enough to learn it there was no mistaking that same delicate strand soft yet week, the color was close not the same but close.

I remember the last time it happened with Morgan this woman had the same size and shape her hair was only slightly shorter and all the same time I knew it wasn’t her but she looked for a split second like it could have been. I always was connected to her I could feel her when she was close and had no troubles finding her in a crowd it could be hundreds it could be thousands I would spot her. A part of me feels like it was turned off when she left that’s how I knew when I saw this woman that it wasn’t her that connection wasn’t there it did make my skin jolt at first sight it would have been nice to see her, it was nice to even see something that wasn’t her.

I see her around each corner there was this lady, at Casco and my heart stumbled my eyes widened and then the pain set in, it hurts, my eyes watered having to repress the emotion as my hand clenched my chest, it wasn’t Giovanna it never could be. I gazed for a moment imaging what she must really look like as the woman that brought the thought to mind was gone only my emotion left. Her arms weren’t right it was the wrist specifically they went elegant enough her hair was no where near long like it really would be I know that by heart. I only ever saw her from the back but her shoulders didn’t fall right they should have looked like they where at peace not the way this lady looked. I see her all the time every lexis that is the in front of me or parked as I pass by, holding a cup of coffee or just looking right past me they never have her cheeks I would know that face with touch alone. Each time I grow a little sad not having the memories like the others not seeing her in places that I could have been with her these woman never show up on my computer screen. Like the sound of her logging in, it never shocks my heart alive when I see one of them, how it was with her as she would step back into my life that sound only announcing it. I was robbed of even having a past to hate.

For after the sorrow fades the hate starts to fill its place. My mind wonders to dark places as I want to beat the man holding the hand of the woman I want to be with but can’t, I want to show her he isn’t strong like I am that he can’t protect her that he isn’t what I am. The bones in my hands ache from how tightly I clench them wanting to hit anything to feel the hate come out to dig into it pulling more to the surface, my teeth hurt as I push it all back inside of me, having to tell my own body to let my jaw relax so I don’t hurt my self. Who would have guest the best fuel for anger could be unused love unwanted love unneeded love replaceable love. That it all has to go some where, I feel my blood run hot with love so much filling my flesh it begins to burn inside of me. I can only go so long with out having something to love before it starts to curdle like milk growing sour as the days grow one after the other, tell it finally has to be thrown away. Its this lose that makes me so fucking angry that makes me want to hurt people around me to lash out because they have what has been taken from me what I have lost what I can’t have seeing there smiles starts the reaction from there its unpredictable. I only fear I may stop letting love fill me like it once did so it may never be wasted in me for there is no one to harvest my love, filling that need in them that only the sole can command.

Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://www.blogger.com/77zachwilson@gmail.com.

By The Meantime

I never know what eyes and ears may see or hear my thoughts, the words that swell with my feeling. I have been through no more or less then any other person yet I feel like every person I just chose to write in some small way how I felt. I have been reading and hope that it remains a change in my life for as long as I may breathe and that again I fined the strength to pick up the Good Book again reading it like I once did. And I hope to keep learning as I am to better my self and the life ahead of me but enough to the writing.

　

There is a few words that will stick to my sole for the rest of my life and how they grip me in those moments I hope to never lose. “…Breath, the gift of life, is given to us by God with no strings attached.” “Somewhere in the process of being born, we come to expect people to do for use what God has already done for use---give use life and love, with no strings attached.” Sometimes the tags are so small we don’t recognize that they are tags with strings attached until it is time to pray.”(In the meantime, Iyanla Vanzant pages 45 - 46.)

Hitting home like that feeling when you forgot a very important meeting or appointment that when you look at your watch you get to see you’ll never make it. Those words feel like that, each time over and over again, in some small way, its comforting like the feeling of home that you just know deep in you. I have well over a hundred pages onstringshell maybe over two. I have never counted the words, each just tying more knots to a past that once was my future, each page leading to new hopes and dreams the page a canvas for my passion for one thing in this world. God gives use this gift of life to breath each moment of are lifeno stringsGod dose it again for us providing us with all his love and a life time to spend itno strings.Sometimes we are just human and we do all that God has given but we don’t leave thestringsoff like he has done for us, we attach value and needs with hopes to every part of everyone especially if they mean anything to use. We find after time when we sit to pray when we open up the honesty for the Lord to hear from are hearts we see all thestringsthat are bound to us. It’s thosestringsthat let use dictate the direction of are life’s mostly by the ones we cut so we may haveNo strings attached.

Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.

In Gods time

We live are lives such that each day seems like it is the most important yet only as we grow older do we see the blessing of the days still yet to come for there numbers dwindle fewer and fewer. As children we feel as if the world ends when we don’t receive the gifts of simple selfishness. The toy is the wrong cooler or the meal is home cooked not ordered. We are too young to see how lucky we are that these things mean nothing no damage done moving on as if it truly never was. We suffer a different fait the first time we love someone, we feel this emotion that is conflicting southing and utterly confusing. Our fist love is the end of our child hood for some it comes early some it comes to late. Well some how the pain effects us all so differently all well only showing use are humanity feeling the same lose. Some how none ever to shake its wounds, like a fish hook caught on a part of our hearts that never gets removed tugging on the slightest of memories. Suffering the absence of their leaving use behind, that pain still real even in the golden years of our life. When the time comes when we lose someone and we learn death is a cold part of everyday of life. The feeling of someone never to be there in our lives ever again. It doses things to each of use that shape or shift our lives leading us in varying ways. Some how with that lose a small part of use gone forever in their absence, like we barrowed a part of there spirit and they took it home with them. Feeling its absence weather it’s the day they leave us or it's so far from that day that we some how almost forgot they ever were there. Some how the feeling the same realizing they will never come again, not to day or the day we go to meet with them again, they wont walk with us as they once did.

Each lesson learned not when we see fit or on terms we wish. Each lesson not tough with loving care and sympathetic arms to run too, arms where we can pore the pain into from our eyes. Not when we are children feeling as life is about to end sobbing so hard we can’t breath. Not when we are truly left alone for the first time with a heart hurting so bad we feel it braking in our chest thinking we might not make it through that first night. Not when we are touched by death for the first time no matter our age, feeling as if life is something not even real feeling its hurt. The hurt filling us so we don't feel like we once did for only minutes strung together ordays and for some even years, its hurt numbing the life that is alive in all of us.

No all these happen in Gods time, we don’t know when we are children to absorb it all so we could remember how it felt to be young and know the blissful ignorance of knowing nothing of the world, of life, or all that comes with it. No we don’t get to love are perfect partners the first time with the purest of love that we may ever possess. It’s in Gods time if we are blessed in this life to find the one, the one that completes us in ways only God could understand. We don’t know how to let what matters stay holding on like a tiger to pray, well we hold on to things that only hurt what life we so desperately crave. Dragging the pain tell we receive Gods blessing we chose to live with for the rest of are days. No we don’t get to say goodbye, it’s in Gods time when they leave us. We don’t understand how precious are life is or those we love tell their gone and we can’t have them touch are lives like they had when they where in this world. Sadly God doesn’t just give us all the gift to understand how much our life is worth and how we could live each day if we only could understand the Lords plan. Most are lost in one way or another walking the paths the Lord has laid for use to get as close as we can to seeing the gifts of this world that are already in are hands.

Life is in Gods time not ours. I wish it helped me sleep at night. Despite even those simple factssome how the thoughts of you have more power over me. I have no chose but to wait for Gods time, because every day I long to be with you my beloved DipADee. 

Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.