Its not my first run in with heart break, its hard to chose the words I want. My heart has stopped talking to me like it once did, the sadness is all round me. I just want to learn how to be happy. I would have loved to go back and tell that girl that I never liked her and at 16 never have known how much I was missing out on. If I could just talk to that kid to tell him how happy ignorance could make him compared to this man he would grow up to be. If that kid could have known how easy it would be just to want love and never know how much it hurts to deal with the pain that flows like a stream. It some how never flows at the same pace like a spring run off it over flows its banks leting out to much to be handled, to the days where you thought the pain had stopped in the heat of summer with almost no pain running my heart feels almost like it wasn’t broken before. But its just like a stream ever since the first time I was left behind, the pain has never stopped flowing I have at times felt more joy and happiness then the ache of a broken heart, sadly I haven’t found how to find that kind of bliss with my own life with out someone else. I feel the shards of my shattered heart pulsing through my veins making it harder everyday just be happy, to find the bright side of life, I know there is always one I just can’t seem to keep my eyes open long enough to see them the pain coming and going in every moment each days rithem diffent then the days befor. I pray to God to help me find the way to be happy with my self to not need that other half of me, its been 16 years and I still must be doing something wrong, or why else would God keep letting these people come into my life letting me grow deeply in love with them and have to watch as they leave, I must be doing something wrong or why would I still want to find that inner peace each morning waking up still not finding what I have been looking for. Why would they keep leaving if I wasn’t the one that was broken. I just want to fix what ever is wrong with me because rejections isn’t that hard to take but I don’t want to live this life alone, or hell I could come to terms with that life if only I could know that no one would ever want to settle down with me I could do, that I could. I could find a satisfaction in that if just could come to terms with never having that best friend that wants to be there with me in the hardest of times and love me in the best of times. That that person would look in my heart and see I want to be the father to the most precise gift God gives that of a child. I could let that all go if only I could know, really it’s the hope that is just crushing me I can stand the pain but the thought I will just go through this cycle of "hey I make you happy then you see I’m not the one" so then you move on, that I could just be a stepping stone to there real knight in shining armor. I’m just bitter and tired of trying to love people that end up finding i'm just not “HIM”. I wish you could understand how angry I am but really its because I’m not able to be the other half of someone, its just that I can’t fill that missing part of them like its missing in me, that someone is dealing with something like this and it's me not being there that is hurting her and I don’t even know how to fix it, God hear my prayer.
Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by
Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at
university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at
77zachwilson@gmail.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment