Life on Caffeine

Today was a day that I haven’t had many of in my life mostly just because it’s not so much who I am, it still managed today to overwhelm me. I didn’t mind.

I smiled all day I felt a smooth high of elation for 6 hours today and nothing happen except a simple shift and maybe a lot of little dominos to make it happen. When life changes and yet nothing has changed other than a perception despite the fact the future is so unknown it’s crippling. Life is risk and reword I fear saying anything demeaning or demoralizing because what if I’m found out and have to own up to being human. I can’t believe I’m dancing around the subject maybe that just shows how strongly I desire it to be something real. I could use real and I could really use a reason again I can’t wait to have one again. I don’t mind who I am now but I liked what I was once; even more I want desperately to find him again. Now I’m not pleased having to admit I’m human and that sometimes when things don’t work that it hurts. I am struggling to jot down a line I could just delete if I wanted; my tempter is rising……. I think I want this!

There I wrought it

I want this thing whatever it is to be real I would write it in plain English but I’m scared it will revisit upon me in a way I might not be able to over whelm with my silver tongue. I fear being burned by my thoughts and reflections but mostly by my hope because it’s like tap dancing on glass every move can cut you being sharp is the name of the game. I like the title of this peace mostly because it only alludes to what it is that has me so tumbled, yet it is chic in its simplicity. Its meaning is ever changing even as I sit and write I can see new ways it fallows the lines of my reality. All I can say is today I smiled today I felt happy today was day one. I wander if even I truly know what it is that I’m talking about here I am sure of my thoughts but I am unsure of my fear. I’ll sleep on this one because I’m not afraid of the thing I was when I sat down to write this somehow in 416 words it changed.

There is a quote I want to put here at the end but I’ll have to come back and do it because I don’t have it with me but don’t worry it’s in Gaelic so it wouldn't matter to you anyway only to me.

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Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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really now i mean thanks here poeple

It means allot to me when anyone reads any of my work for any reason so feel kind of obligated to write something for me so I can completely enjoy your experience with my work. So come on now be a team player people let me know your thoughts…

thanks

i just wanted to say thanks to all those that read my writing feel free to leve your thought for me to read thanks and God bless

In deep thought

That’s the name of the last photograph I really have of you. I only truly have the one picture any more, I saved maybe one other buried in some box to be found decades from now. But this is the only one I can still see when I want. You were my fairy tale but now it’s time to be real I loved every one of those pictures and ever word we ever spoke, let’s face it you where never real and that has been dragging be down now for too long. I still look at that picture and every time I have to touch the screen; like somehow maybe this time you will become real that the woman I loved so deeply will actually be at my finger tips, as if there truly was magic just for loving something enough. “But there isn’t and you never are” so let’s face it every woman before did that same thing, lost faith in me then stopped loving what it was they loved about me tell they no longer loved me. I truly believed you where the last woman I was ever going to love because I gave you everything I had every part of me I pushed ever limit because I knew you were worth that and more. Yet you stopped loving me just same no different than the rest. You will never know how much I miss talking to you, how happy it made me to see any one of your 134 pictures imagining all the life we would gather in moments of our once vibrant lively youth. I could write a million words and never say how much I loved you. Really isn’t that the thing love is not fare but it is blind. I let me lose myself in that, in that fairy tale where you promised me it all was going to come true. You promised “though inside someplace even I knew your heart wasn’t in it” we would have it all so I lessoned to what I wanted to here. Yet for some reason I still look at that picture and long so badly for you to turn and look at me just once and smile, eyes wide as I see me in there reflection; Just one time. I look at it every time and lose myself in how beautiful you where to me, how much I loved you more every day I was with you.

Yet the truth is you never let me I fell in love with a computer screen not a woman.
I let you be everything I had ever wanted; I guess because I never lied to you I really thought you never did to me. You were to perfect all thought in my heart I still believe that you where exactly as you say you where I can’t rationally believe that anymore. How that hurts Gio is not worth me describing. I crave moving on because we are never going to start a family like you promised we are never going to get married I will never get to see you walking in a white dress down an aisle towards me, I will never get to shake your fathers hand, or hug my new mother, never getting to welcome a new brother and sister into my life like you said we would do. I tried once to be with you and if it had been meant to be than I just have to believe it would have been. It’s been three years now and I am truly trying to let go, I gained weight trying to quit the pain, I’ve lost so much of my hair from the stress, yet my broken heart is what I grieve the most, for I was a fool for believing you ever loved me like I had truly loved you. I was ready at one point to go anywhere in the world to be with you, do any single thing I had to do, all because I believed in use that much. So congratulations for tricking me I was deceived as no other man has ever been deceived. I am sorry for letting it all go that far, I should have know you where never going to do any of the things you said you were, I should have stopped any pain I had ever allowed you to experience because it was my ignorance that hurt you, along with my pride and my blind miss led faith that led us both so far astray. I hope one day you forgive me for that Gio.
Because I will always love something I will never get to know whether that something was truly you or only a well fabricated convincing lie but I am sorry, all the same.




Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.

shimer of optimism

for the first time in too long i chose to write my thoughts and for the first time maybe in my life i chose to do so when i want to sleep and i feel as if i may fall right in without the stander showdown I've become so accustom to. i bet the first thing to pop in to your head was probably not this very thought but it could have been. what makes someone like that want to stay awake writing to an unknown audience and not imbibe in that so loved activity know as sleep. well if that was your exact thought i bet your lying because i wrought it and it wasn't even my thought, so stop lying. OK now that you and i are on the same page lets get down to the point.

I tend to write depressing melancholy poems or poetic articles maybe but to night i wanted to put pen to paper or in my world tips to keys. so let me tell you reader about a moment in my life i really liked, i looked in my heart and saw a woman i have never meet and i knew i could love her even though i don't really even know if she exists but for that moment i saw in my soul someone else that was possibly apart of me. she had shoulder length dark hair not black but not brown the light was low so i may never truly know. yet it was soft and tame that kind you just want to feel on the palm of your hand as you cradle her for swooning kiss. i saw her bat her eyes maybe not at me but no doubt she did that bashful flutter of i know someone sees me. it was brief but i saw those brown eyes almost flat in texture calming the kind of eyes that make bad news seem like it could have been worse their confidence supports your doubt by not flinching, they see into the fear worn on your face saying with those flat brown placid eyes bringing you back to straight. don't forget that turn of the corner of her mouth that little flinch of i hoped you would see me, she had the softest check i have ever seen bagging to be kissed like that of a baby that can’t stop smiling and giggling as affection is passed through adoring touch.

but i don’t know if you saw me or maybe just caught a sent on the wind that brought you back to when you where happy once in your life that memory playing out in a moment as i looked upon you seeing all i wanted to see or maybe it was me seeing through the crystal ball getting to watch as you had a glimpse at what the man you have longed for looked like in a brief moment of clarity then seeing me walk through the back ground of that day dream stepping in that very mans shoes seeing you unable to hide the brief moment of joy that detonated inside seeing that i truly am real.

well i will never know but there is a glint of something even if its only in my imagination.

ps

I'm talking to you.








Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.

Gravedigger BY: Dave Matthews or Willie Nelson

It’s all to early how much I know you all though we have never been a hole peace through the eyes of our maker I still stand separate from you, what holds us apart I may never know. I know how much I long for your simple existence to finally infuse with mine as to become a whole. I sit felling when life offers me experiences that we should have shard, I can only be unaware of all the things that I can never be aware of for you do not exist so I cannot know your existence shaping the moments your presence will invariably offer.
Those that are found looking back are always the ones that fail to grasp the opportunities of there being, the true feel of the time and place they are granted being in the moment as only they can or could have been.
Those caught with their heads in the clouds never feel their feet on the ground letting all the opportunity life supplies float past for they know not how to plant themselves to a conviction that will consume them.

Yet I look forward everyday to that thing which with all my heart I know will consume me, that being your love giving the will to be with you every day of my life if you should be so willing. Who knows maybe I’ll find you when I look back or if I would just drift in to the clouds maybe that’s where our opportunity lays, is it my stubbornness with which is withholding my own happiness’s. Or maybe it’s you that has always been meant to find me despite how hard I will or have ever looked that event always left to be in your control. My search only a penance to be worthy you…….







Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.

What is the cost?

What is the cost?

Or is the question how much would I pay? They both sound alike but when you want to know the value of a kiss….. Well there is only the price you can pay or the price you would have paid or sadly the price you will be forced to pay because of it.

For me that price was somewhere well over 30,170 words, and all the time it takes to put down somewhere around double that. So over half a hundred thousand words is what I paid in those many nights of endless key strokes, yet never one swish of a pen. Thirty thousand words all saying the same thing all trying to pay the penance for one of lives simple and pursues gifts that of a heartfelt kiss. There is no reverence more contenting than that of a passionate and loving kiss. I still dream of those lips and how they would touch the very muscle of my heart giving it the spark to never stop beating only if I could have found a way.

For the price I pay is failure to know those lips on my skin, each day I wonder if I could have done more to only know their kiss imparted from her lips. It’s the lack of knowing that which torments me so, I paid a high price more then lost efforts and passions, but that of regret for my actions; because they are what failed me not her. When one looks to place blame the image staring back is always the one that is due to bear the full weight of consequence. For sometimes your best is simply not good enough more was required then I could have brought forth. I pray she forgives me for my inadequacies to fulfill her.

To say to have loved and lost is better than to never have loved at all would be like putting a Band-Aid on cancer. It may make you feel better but the wounds will never heal. I may write a million words in honor of love, yet I will never have the kiss that 30,000 failed to inspire.








Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.