In deep thought

That’s the name of the last photograph I really have of you. I only truly have the one picture any more, I saved maybe one other buried in some box to be found decades from now. But this is the only one I can still see when I want. You were my fairy tale but now it’s time to be real I loved every one of those pictures and ever word we ever spoke, let’s face it you where never real and that has been dragging be down now for too long. I still look at that picture and every time I have to touch the screen; like somehow maybe this time you will become real that the woman I loved so deeply will actually be at my finger tips, as if there truly was magic just for loving something enough. “But there isn’t and you never are” so let’s face it every woman before did that same thing, lost faith in me then stopped loving what it was they loved about me tell they no longer loved me. I truly believed you where the last woman I was ever going to love because I gave you everything I had every part of me I pushed ever limit because I knew you were worth that and more. Yet you stopped loving me just same no different than the rest. You will never know how much I miss talking to you, how happy it made me to see any one of your 134 pictures imagining all the life we would gather in moments of our once vibrant lively youth. I could write a million words and never say how much I loved you. Really isn’t that the thing love is not fare but it is blind. I let me lose myself in that, in that fairy tale where you promised me it all was going to come true. You promised “though inside someplace even I knew your heart wasn’t in it” we would have it all so I lessoned to what I wanted to here. Yet for some reason I still look at that picture and long so badly for you to turn and look at me just once and smile, eyes wide as I see me in there reflection; Just one time. I look at it every time and lose myself in how beautiful you where to me, how much I loved you more every day I was with you.

Yet the truth is you never let me I fell in love with a computer screen not a woman.
I let you be everything I had ever wanted; I guess because I never lied to you I really thought you never did to me. You were to perfect all thought in my heart I still believe that you where exactly as you say you where I can’t rationally believe that anymore. How that hurts Gio is not worth me describing. I crave moving on because we are never going to start a family like you promised we are never going to get married I will never get to see you walking in a white dress down an aisle towards me, I will never get to shake your fathers hand, or hug my new mother, never getting to welcome a new brother and sister into my life like you said we would do. I tried once to be with you and if it had been meant to be than I just have to believe it would have been. It’s been three years now and I am truly trying to let go, I gained weight trying to quit the pain, I’ve lost so much of my hair from the stress, yet my broken heart is what I grieve the most, for I was a fool for believing you ever loved me like I had truly loved you. I was ready at one point to go anywhere in the world to be with you, do any single thing I had to do, all because I believed in use that much. So congratulations for tricking me I was deceived as no other man has ever been deceived. I am sorry for letting it all go that far, I should have know you where never going to do any of the things you said you were, I should have stopped any pain I had ever allowed you to experience because it was my ignorance that hurt you, along with my pride and my blind miss led faith that led us both so far astray. I hope one day you forgive me for that Gio.
Because I will always love something I will never get to know whether that something was truly you or only a well fabricated convincing lie but I am sorry, all the same.




Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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shimer of optimism

for the first time in too long i chose to write my thoughts and for the first time maybe in my life i chose to do so when i want to sleep and i feel as if i may fall right in without the stander showdown I've become so accustom to. i bet the first thing to pop in to your head was probably not this very thought but it could have been. what makes someone like that want to stay awake writing to an unknown audience and not imbibe in that so loved activity know as sleep. well if that was your exact thought i bet your lying because i wrought it and it wasn't even my thought, so stop lying. OK now that you and i are on the same page lets get down to the point.

I tend to write depressing melancholy poems or poetic articles maybe but to night i wanted to put pen to paper or in my world tips to keys. so let me tell you reader about a moment in my life i really liked, i looked in my heart and saw a woman i have never meet and i knew i could love her even though i don't really even know if she exists but for that moment i saw in my soul someone else that was possibly apart of me. she had shoulder length dark hair not black but not brown the light was low so i may never truly know. yet it was soft and tame that kind you just want to feel on the palm of your hand as you cradle her for swooning kiss. i saw her bat her eyes maybe not at me but no doubt she did that bashful flutter of i know someone sees me. it was brief but i saw those brown eyes almost flat in texture calming the kind of eyes that make bad news seem like it could have been worse their confidence supports your doubt by not flinching, they see into the fear worn on your face saying with those flat brown placid eyes bringing you back to straight. don't forget that turn of the corner of her mouth that little flinch of i hoped you would see me, she had the softest check i have ever seen bagging to be kissed like that of a baby that can’t stop smiling and giggling as affection is passed through adoring touch.

but i don’t know if you saw me or maybe just caught a sent on the wind that brought you back to when you where happy once in your life that memory playing out in a moment as i looked upon you seeing all i wanted to see or maybe it was me seeing through the crystal ball getting to watch as you had a glimpse at what the man you have longed for looked like in a brief moment of clarity then seeing me walk through the back ground of that day dream stepping in that very mans shoes seeing you unable to hide the brief moment of joy that detonated inside seeing that i truly am real.

well i will never know but there is a glint of something even if its only in my imagination.

ps

I'm talking to you.








Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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Gravedigger BY: Dave Matthews or Willie Nelson

It’s all to early how much I know you all though we have never been a hole peace through the eyes of our maker I still stand separate from you, what holds us apart I may never know. I know how much I long for your simple existence to finally infuse with mine as to become a whole. I sit felling when life offers me experiences that we should have shard, I can only be unaware of all the things that I can never be aware of for you do not exist so I cannot know your existence shaping the moments your presence will invariably offer.
Those that are found looking back are always the ones that fail to grasp the opportunities of there being, the true feel of the time and place they are granted being in the moment as only they can or could have been.
Those caught with their heads in the clouds never feel their feet on the ground letting all the opportunity life supplies float past for they know not how to plant themselves to a conviction that will consume them.

Yet I look forward everyday to that thing which with all my heart I know will consume me, that being your love giving the will to be with you every day of my life if you should be so willing. Who knows maybe I’ll find you when I look back or if I would just drift in to the clouds maybe that’s where our opportunity lays, is it my stubbornness with which is withholding my own happiness’s. Or maybe it’s you that has always been meant to find me despite how hard I will or have ever looked that event always left to be in your control. My search only a penance to be worthy you…….







Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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What is the cost?

What is the cost?

Or is the question how much would I pay? They both sound alike but when you want to know the value of a kiss….. Well there is only the price you can pay or the price you would have paid or sadly the price you will be forced to pay because of it.

For me that price was somewhere well over 30,170 words, and all the time it takes to put down somewhere around double that. So over half a hundred thousand words is what I paid in those many nights of endless key strokes, yet never one swish of a pen. Thirty thousand words all saying the same thing all trying to pay the penance for one of lives simple and pursues gifts that of a heartfelt kiss. There is no reverence more contenting than that of a passionate and loving kiss. I still dream of those lips and how they would touch the very muscle of my heart giving it the spark to never stop beating only if I could have found a way.

For the price I pay is failure to know those lips on my skin, each day I wonder if I could have done more to only know their kiss imparted from her lips. It’s the lack of knowing that which torments me so, I paid a high price more then lost efforts and passions, but that of regret for my actions; because they are what failed me not her. When one looks to place blame the image staring back is always the one that is due to bear the full weight of consequence. For sometimes your best is simply not good enough more was required then I could have brought forth. I pray she forgives me for my inadequacies to fulfill her.

To say to have loved and lost is better than to never have loved at all would be like putting a Band-Aid on cancer. It may make you feel better but the wounds will never heal. I may write a million words in honor of love, yet I will never have the kiss that 30,000 failed to inspire.








Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.

Energy

In this day and age we conger images of hydrogen fuel or power bills out of our control. Yet we forget that its one of the most powerful and greatest gifts given by the natural world. That air our most needed addiction can cause so much fiction trying to move past its self that it lets off probably one of the most pure and awe inspiring feats of nature that of lighting. So brilliant that it will illuminate the darkest nights or the most severe or storms. But as all energy it is for the shortest of moments showing all its power literally in a flash for that is how energy is in our world. But we forget that we are made of energy and that energy flows on many different plains in our body’s minds and souls. We are but living batteries constantly needing recharged and at times we can work better then at others. Some of this natural force that propels us is outside of our selves truly emanating from use being feed off the surface of our flesh as it lives. Other is like the most beautiful timing known to us the little spark that keeps a heart beating for a life time never missing a stroke just ticking on and on without a hand to wined the gears of life. Yet this energy is more then we really can know for some is outside of our understanding. I was told that there was a depression in my energy that much like a pot hole in a road edges sharp and bottom firm and clear in its existence by the jolt you unexpectedly feel as you move over it. Well this pot hole is located over my heart this in no way surprised me. The next thing I heard was either there is a good reason for this suppression or there is something else blocking the flow that I can’t find. Being the simple man that I am I couldn’t start to explain the cause of this occurrence in words for they would only fail to encompass the full scope of how little I understand but how clearly I see all that causes me to have a cavern in the center of me. I live my life each day as one half of a whole I felt once that I found the other half of my world; when that piece left I wrapped barbed wire around my heart like it had been fired into a fence from a howitzer letting it wined its self so tight that it can’t fall of but will have to be pried off with delicate precision. I don’t even know honestly if I swallow or bury or any other form of not dealing with my feelings but I do know it takes as much as I have to hold it together each day. It’s like running from a train over a bridge leavening only the rail to guide you forward all well holding a pane of glass. Each little miss step brings the train closer each small flaw cracks the glass a little more. It’s only a matter of time, luck, will, or fate that can determine the end of that sprint know as youth. All I know is I have caged what it was to be me, in part due to fear in part to heal, in part to punish yet the reason irrelevant for it shows all the same in many aspects of my life. Only making the hole in my soul widen little by little as lives disappointments over shadow what few of lives true joys achieve.

I ask will anyone sacrifice their hands to the sharp barbs that bind me so tightly, or is that time past in my unknown fate?





Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.

Where are you

I ask this to my self everyday in varying amounts 365.25 “leap years to” not one day less. I look even though at 23 I’ve grown tired in my search, the road I travel is full of obstacles of all kinds pushing me to you. Yet the question has yet to change Where are you? I wonder have we met have we know each other already for sometime or is it I have been looking in the dark and you are the light house to guide me to shore. I wonder will I know you at first site I know its crazy but I want to believe in that…… that kind of love that is so visual that both know each others soul even though they don’t know each others names. I don’t need us to have it I would be content just being blessed with the gift of getting to love you forever. I wonder have you seen me and I just didn’t see you, do you read the words I write for you just not ready to come forward and risk the life you have lived before me; because I know the life we have after will be one of novels. I all ready know I love you even though I don’t know how you laugh or the way you smile when I kiss you or how afraid you get when doubt creeps in and its me that you realize you don’t want to lose. I can promise you now I will fight all the monsters in life that come even those I bring with me, I promise I will work harder then anyone you know to give you the life you want but I will always make time for you, I promise I’ll never forget how much you mean to me and all you have done always trying to repay you for your gift of love given unconditionally to me. I promise to forgive you for anything in this world you do…. No matter what cause I love you and that’s all anyone should need. BUT Where are you, I know who I am, I am only fine tuning the person I will be, the what of who I am is set in stone God him self would have to change me or…… the subtlest touch of your hand could wash away all the hate that the shower can’t seam to reach. I’m sorry I’m ready now and that you are still needing more from life before you can join that life with mine with a plain band of gold. “ I am sorry” is words you will here from me for I am a man simple and flawed and I hope you can forgive me for trying to be the best I can be even if that isn’t the best in me. All I know is I am weary but I will look for you in the dark even if I can’t see because I will know when I land ashore. When the blindness is lifted like a dense fog and the light of your beauty is all I will forever see.
　
　
Yet for now all I am left with here is to ask my self Where are you?




Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.

Ears open yet the sound of silence is all I hear.

Its not my first run in with heart break, its hard to chose the words I want. My heart has stopped talking to me like it once did, the sadness is all round me. I just want to learn how to be happy. I would have loved to go back and tell that girl that I never liked her and at 16 never have known how much I was missing out on. If I could just talk to that kid to tell him how happy ignorance could make him compared to this man he would grow up to be. If that kid could have known how easy it would be just to want love and never know how much it hurts to deal with the pain that flows like a stream. It some how never flows at the same pace like a spring run off it over flows its banks leting out to much to be handled, to the days where you thought the pain had stopped in the heat of summer with almost no pain running my heart feels almost like it wasn’t broken before. But its just like a stream ever since the first time I was left behind, the pain has never stopped flowing I have at times felt more joy and happiness then the ache of a broken heart, sadly I haven’t found how to find that kind of bliss with my own life with out someone else. I feel the shards of my shattered heart pulsing through my veins making it harder everyday just be happy, to find the bright side of life, I know there is always one I just can’t seem to keep my eyes open long enough to see them the pain coming and going in every moment each days rithem diffent then the days befor. I pray to God to help me find the way to be happy with my self to not need that other half of me, its been 16 years and I still must be doing something wrong, or why else would God keep letting these people come into my life letting me grow deeply in love with them and have to watch as they leave, I must be doing something wrong or why would I still want to find that inner peace each morning waking up still not finding what I have been looking for. Why would they keep leaving if I wasn’t the one that was broken. I just want to fix what ever is wrong with me because rejections isn’t that hard to take but I don’t want to live this life alone, or hell I could come to terms with that life if only I could know that no one would ever want to settle down with me I could do, that I could. I could find a satisfaction in that if just could come to terms with never having that best friend that wants to be there with me in the hardest of times and love me in the best of times. That that person would look in my heart and see I want to be the father to the most precise gift God gives that of a child. I could let that all go if only I could know, really it’s the hope that is just crushing me I can stand the pain but the thought I will just go through this cycle of "hey I make you happy then you see I’m not the one" so then you move on, that I could just be a stepping stone to there real knight in shining armor. I’m just bitter and tired of trying to love people that end up finding i'm just not “HIM”. I wish you could understand how angry I am but really its because I’m not able to be the other half of someone, its just that I can’t fill that missing part of them like its missing in me, that someone is dealing with something like this and it's me not being there that is hurting her and I don’t even know how to fix it, God hear my prayer.










Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.