Just a basic change

It’s odd when in life we do something not intending to change yet we come away from things different then we came to them. I left for basic combat training April 15 2012 now I'm back better than ever different in more ways then I really thought I was ever going to change all for the better which also surprises me. I am angry a lot now but that kind of fits I’ve come to peace with the reasons I keep getting hot over things. Really it’s all the other things its them that are getting me to pause think take note. How in 87 days did I change so much this is where I normally would justify it on the perspective of lifelong its small changes but no these are real and large. With all that said I’m no different a man then I left I’m only improved time over to a better version of myself. The army cut 33 pounds off me I’m as fit as I’ve ever been in most ways nothing crazy even thought that’s where I’m headed. I honestly can say it was easy it wasn’t hard it wasn’t difficult it just let the best of what I can do come out to play. It went to work with me each and every day from the moment I showed up to work the first day at the 43rd I was ready to play ball with this system. I as well can hope that my battle buddies grew in their love for this country just as much as I did well I was there starting on the long road called my military career, I can say I love the country more today than I have ever before . One reason is clear the military makes me different then people not better yet in a way much better. It says to anyone that feels they can question who I am as a person as a single person on the face of this earth. What do I stand for? Now I can say without question I stand for us, I stand for what I believe in, that at any point I will lay down my life to prove how strong I believe in the way of life I was given hear in the United States. That’s a steep price only to stand apart from those that try to oppress or distinguish. It also comes at a high price people now know I am willing and trained to kill other people. That if it’s between me and that guy, that I’m ready to end their life. I’m not God I should as a man of God never end anyone’s life. Well I have given over that chose to all those I stand to protect whatever its cost is on my soul I will pay. Now do I truly think I’ll be out in a squad laying down fire and clearing the objective? I can honestly say NO I don’t think I’ll ever be in a position where I’m the aggressing force. Now in all reality I chose to join the army in a time of war. I will be shot at I will be blown up I will return fire at some point. That is fact I will have those things happen in my career no question in my mind. So I hope you as the person that knows me can live with the fact I will be put in a situation where a person no different than your self is trying to end my life. More over a person no different from you will die if it will save mine or anyone else’s. I will make the call to have them killed or I will pull the trigger myself. I will not lose any man or allow any civilian to be hurt by someone that chooses to fight back. Any one of the people we fight against can quit they don’t have to kill us or this religion or this tribe or those that differ from them. That chose is in their hands one of their own might kill them all the same that chose is in their hands. So if they stand opposed to me or my men or those that can’t fight back I’ll end their life. I am willing to pay what eternal price that action will cost me. I feel once you have accepted that you will kill a man if it comes to that; you are no longer the person you where before. I thought I was a tough smart guy before that when it came to push or shove I’d take someone’s life. Now I know that my training has only put me in a place that I can do it. I simply won’t know if I have the fortitude to end someone’s life tell I see them down my sights then chose to pull the trigger. I won’t know tell that day comes. The thing that is different is I have accepted that day is coming; I am ready when it comes. That is what has changed; it’s not “well if I was ever put there I think I could do it”. No now it’s when I’m in that scenario I know I have the skills to. It makes you a different person. You don’t want to live your life the same way anymore or at least I don’t maybe I’m not normal it’s not really something you talk about to other soldiers its left off the book as they say. The army changed me I’m glad of it. Now I hope I find a woman to keep me human so I don’t lose myself in the suffering of life and others. I pray she has the power to bring light to the darkest parts of my heart mind and soul for she will be the only person to have the keys to my kingdom.





Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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If I could ask God one question

Its not if I would like it all or if my life would be easy or if I would hit the lottery or any of those selfish crazy things that we think are the meaning of life no I would ask but one thing do I get to marry the woman I will love all my life. Trust me I understand the gravity of the question tell me if that was the one thing you wanted to hear in life the definitive answer making all the difference from the second those syllable are uttered.

What if God says NO…


How would you handle that? I know deep down in my heart just knowing yes or no would make all the difference I am losing my mind over it I thought twice in life I had someone that wanted to love me but twice they said it they felt it they simply didn’t want it. I don’t blame either of them I wouldn’t want to be married to someone that didn’t think the sun rose and set with me either. Now can you see I never brought into this equation happiness or religion not finances not easy? No what I care to know is do I marry the woman ill love for the rest of my life. Ya of course I could have said for ever ya it’s a nice concept I’d love to believe it I truly would like to be with my eternal soul mate but I really can’t say I wouldn’t just be happy with loving this person for the rest of my life. I know I don’t stand a great chance of making it into my 80s I like to live life I like to do some things that not everyone would. I don’t have a death wish but death comes for all of use I just sit closer to the door then some. I like any normal person want to play the odds role the dice I play the lottery yet I play the lottery with more then tickets. I don’t mind rolling the dice when I can lose even a little or maybe a lot. I do hope that the people in my life that love me know that I am fully aware that I like playing with fire just like when I was a kid I liked it then I like it now.

Its one of those things as a man I hope changes with growing older that kids and a stable healthy long relationship makes me more reserved in my risks. I’ve always said I’m a terrible fighter because I don’t care about winning just winning has never motivated me. I have a low quit quotient for frivolous things I have always believe it’s just me being mature and wise knowing what life is truly worth. Really it might be that its just cowardice being disguised as wisdom. Maybe when they put a rifle in my hand I wont fallow or give orders, maybe when I get my first call or my hundredth I’ll pull my scot pack on and wont go in the door seeing fire poor out of the windows above or I pull up on a three car accident I wont let go of the door handle, I wont get off the rig that day. Maybe I am week of mind body and spirit but I won’t know tell that day. For today I want to risk it I want to push for what I believe will lead me to be that man I want to become. I know the cost are high if something where ever to go wrong I may lose more then I ever dreamed and I would hurt everyone I know. I lost one friend to the war our country is fighting. As well someone I care bout lost her brother after he got home from fighting that war telling someone here in our country to respect our laws our heritage and our country, that boy took that young officers life. So I see now the gloves are off so why not take the bull by the horns even if the bull tramples the hell out of you. Someday I hope to ride a bull just to say I did it just because its something that could be done.

So simply if I could ask God one thing all I want to know do I get to marry the woman I will love all my life?






Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.