Broken life

Im not whining I know many people have it harder then me in almost every way and that people everyday have hearts hevyer then mine broken deeper and so forth and so on. But you know I can’t live someone elses life I wasn’t born some where else I didn’t have some other set of parents I only had mine I only had my life. I wouldn’t take a moment of it back I wouldn’t say that every thing about my life has been a dream because it hasn’t but I like who I am now, I didn’t like the road that got me here but im here and here isn’t so bad you know. I just wonder why everyday I feel the way I do what it was or is about my life that’s always been in the backround ever sence I was a kid as strange as that’s been even for me I have always know I was alown with out her to fill the deep wells of my heart. It’s a hard thing to undersand as a kid to know you should be the second half of someone I was about 8 or so when I finaly figured it out that something about me was just diffent, I had a strange vew of love at that age I know what it felt like but I had no idea what it was I was to young to get it I just didn’t have the experince to understand what love ment I vagely new what sex was I new that it was apart of love in some way but I thought there was really nothing important about it. I just couldn’t grasp that there was something sepcahl about that person that that person was just a person you trused and that they tock care of you and hleped you that you should do that for them to when they needed it. I just was to young to understand that feeling that was in my heart, I just didn’t feel normal I didn’t like feeling the way I did other kids could tell I was not the same in some strange diffent way something was more matcher then other kids about me. The worst thing that could have happened to me was to become a teenager that puberty thing was about the worst because I started to not only understand sex but love but not the nice romatice way your supost to, I got a lot of the sex thing down not so much the romace. I was young and I started likeing weman they looked so atractive I didn’t quite understand when it happened how something changed about it in me I started wonting more from them. I remember getting cought a few times with one or two of my dads Play Boys and having to face that down, I know I was to young to have such a thing my dad a little happy his son wasn’t gay that fear in the back of each fathers head. Know that you don’t know how to handle it having a new fear that your son is a devent one that might not be a good little boy hopeing that all the things you tought him was enough to have there little boy turn out as a good man. I still remember in the 6th grade wanting to sleep with a girl for the first time I remember it in a very nice kid kinda way almost cute in a way we had this little retreat kinda thing in donaly Idaho at this little summer camp we got to spind like 4 days at it I think, this was are first time as kids being told to become men we all sleeped in one bunk I want to say there was 6 in a bunk pluse a adviser to help us and take care of us aka keep us out of truble. You know this was the first time we had to take showers in the same place you know like you do in JUNIOR high really it was big deal. I new a few girls I liked but I was to far ahead on all that inmachurity stuff, and they never really saw anything in me like that you know. But one girl well she finaly got to atractive to not notice she was very eye apealing. So camps over and we are on the buss back and some how or anthor we are siting in about the perfict situatuion im sitting in the back with two of the coolist kids and her and her best friend she was whereing a swimsute top man did she look good in it. Needless to say I don’t really remember how the rest gose from there I bearly remember any of it now. But I remember that hole summer I wanted to be with her, but she was off to some other junior high and my parints just buillt a new house so I was off to a new school. Long story short at the end of that year Kalony Paterson was her name she ended up being in 7th gread with me and it was as if she like had never met me that I was some new asswhole that was the start of my miss trust of the femail gender. I remember the first time I was disenchanted by a girl I secritly loved I was in 9th gread had one bad mistake with a girl she was into me and I was to thick to see it. Any way I was with a friend of mine if you can call him that he was a sioner I was trying out for the varsity football team and Brian Hardwik was his name he told me one day the words that brock my fairy tail into millons of peaces I was a virgen at the time wanting to be with Samantha Rore there was something about that girl that was mostly she was into me and I knew it I just didn’t have the balls when I had the opertonity, she was the first girl I ever rought a poem about. She was my jouleat as it where or atlest as I thought it was in my head I made it more then it was because I was to scared to do anything. So I was at harwicks house and I brought up Sam she was on my mind when I was at his house he just lived up the other side of the street, he at that point told me all kinds of things that crushed my world I wanted to just forget that he ruened my fairytail. At that moment I mostly lost my faith in weman as the angle I saw them to be. I mean I had dirty thoughts and day dreams about her but that was it, the things he said crushed my veiw of the girl I was seacritly in love with, it was a hard day for me. From that time on I always treated weman with more diginty and respect then he did because you never know whos little girl she is whos big sister whos ex-girlfriend you never know what somone else wouldn’t want to hear about that person. That event put me back I didn’t get a girlfriend for 2 more years. Looking back now that 6 months I fanily got with somone was the longes in my life it seams like years. Its funny looking back now that it’s been 5 years sence that summer how much I wish I could forget but how your first love scars you in, some good ways to. I remember the first time we met I was acting all inportant knowing my job inside and out and her it being her first day, I remember standing behind her and thinking “she’ll do” making bad and stupid conversation with her that first time. She told me once I made her really nervise because I told her “ow you people come through here like water” the irney bing that because of her I lost my job and she works there still I think. I remember the first time I had the guts to ask her anything it was really late we just got done at work cleaning and I asked if she wanted to get something to eat and she said yes, that was the start of the end I guess as they say it. As I right this I start to remember things I forgot all about and things I wish I could just forget all about. She was the first girl I ever truly kissed, then a few weeks latter it was her junior prom and as the stryotip goes I lost my virginty she didn’t find that out for a week or two latter. As I look back now I couldn’t have stoped my self that night and in some ways im not shure I would have wanted to because that chose tock me to here and now. But that night I lost something that now I wish I could have known was so spechal to me in so many ways. Im not proud of most the things ive done in my life I feel a lot that I wasn’t a good man, that I had good intenchens but bad disons. She was no exception, I was as happy with her as I had ever been she told me she loved me and maybe for a few reall months of are lives she did I think truly love me, but then she left me. That was the first time I understud what love truly ment to me and that my life was going to be devoted to loving someone at the time I prayed it would be her, theres a country song that talks about unanswerd prayers, and its right thank god for them. My heart is still making it past that lose, you don’t know how to invest your heart the first time. A few weeks after she left me she was being good to me because she loved me and was leting me take her to home coming it was my sioner year so it was inportent to me and I didn’t have anyone else to ask. I worked up this hole skeem to get her back wich now was probaly the most inbarising thing I ever did in my life but that’s a story for another time. We went to diner at Asiogos its not there anymore but it was a nice italan place in the west side of boise. Jen and clint where living to gether for the first time this was just befor they broke up for the sencod time. We walk in the place like we where the only ones there everyone looked at use like there was something spechal to see, we were dressed in pink and black me black shurt and slacks with a pink tiy, she had a pink dress with black spots from maraposas in the mall I went with her to pic it out. I just remember siting there at diner and she brought the topic of us up and then she said she wanted me back. I still feel it in my heart now thinking about that moment. it was the happyest moment of my life still, there has been nothing yet taking thats spot, there has been many good moments but that split second looking at her hearing those words still makes my heart hurt. It lasted for a week longer I think then she left me again and turned into someone I didn’t even know any more, I havent talked to her sence her high school graduation at boise state the week after mine, that was the last time I ever saw her. I tried staying in tuch but I was only hurting my self and she only wanted to forget me in the past. I dated two more girls in high school they both ended in a mess and a huge failer, just learning lessons the way I saw it. My first night befor college having football the next day I stayed in a hotel with my parints in dillon the gest house sewts, that night I charmed a tall 20 year old blond that ended up being the dumist thing I did in my life. That was the worst disiton I made in my now 22 years of life I don’t need to say more then that but life after Kayce Gaub was never the same not for the better eather I would have to say siting here in this cold bed late at night………


The morel of this story is one thing if all of that and more didn’t happen I wouldn’t be in this bed, if I wasn’t in this bed on this laptop writing the very words im righting then I wouldn’t have meet throw some divine power the girl im so madly in love with that im not dating, the differance with her is she still loves me and im scared out of my mind ill lose her if I don’t give it everthing I have. Because if I give it everthing I have and she is taken from me it will be the first time in my life I lived with perppus. And if I get to spend a life time with her then I will have lived one second to no man. Theres millons of words I want to right about her, and in time maybe she will let me but for now there is only three I know to right.









Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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