Faith

When looking for the title I found only one word to fit. Fait being the instant winner of the battle of words to form the most important part of each peace of writing the single most powerful grouping of letters that your writing will hold. Channing the title easily can change your hole body of writing, so placing the perfect title can make the most powerful of writing what I hope this will be as I hope they all do yet this one hurts as much or more then all those that I have put down before.




I don’t know what it is about her, how it is I can feel so strongly and so deeply and passionately about her. I have never really gotten anything from her to justify how incredibly devoted I am to the person I believe her to be. For it is only faith in what she has given me that I draw the strength and fortitude to deal and love everything else about her that is so hard at times to handle and cope with. Yet this faith is so clear with really no explanation why that it just makes perfect since to me even if I will never be able to explain to those on the out side how it feels inside of me.



This all stated when I read the book Eat Pray Love by: Elisabeth Gilbert that it all started to become more clear to me why I had to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. That thing was truly let the one person I found on this earth that I could love for just being her, that I would have to let her go. That I could truly love her enough to understand that if it was what she wanted then it was the best gift I could ever give her. It’s a crazy thought to think the best thing you can give to a set of people that are deeply in love is that of complete and utter separation. This book is one that has many good thing and many sad things. I feel that this book might just have been the thing the stole her away from me, and in no way do I mean that in a bad way. The thing you must understand is I truly love her and all I will ever want is her happiness. I know that is something people often say and don’t really mean but for me I understand with her how true that statement really is. People often say that I’m angry at her as the look from the out side in, and that’s because they simply can’t believe that I really do love her unconditionally. There is nothing that would stop me from believing in the love that I have in my heart for her, no action she has done or will do could ever change that. But I do feel this book is what lead her so far away from me.

I remember it all too clearly it was Ester she had gotten to go home to spend it with her family. Not the essayist thing to do when they lived in San Diego she was in Hawaii and her sister in Seattle. But Easter a big holiday in a Catholic home they wanted everyone there and made it happen. It was just after that point that something had shifted in her, something had changed in a way that was going to change things. Looking back now it was all too hard for me to wrap my head around this change that happened. Mostly because she was never very good about opening up to me something I was truly looking forward to spending the rest of our lives working on together, truly hoping that she could someday trust me with everything. Needles to say I was in the dark tell I read through the first 36 parts of that book.



!Now I don’t know that she was even reading this book at that time or not. I only know that at one time when we where still together she was reading it and a few others.!



Upon learning what those pages had to say it simply all fit to well. She in allot of ways shares some very similar things with the caricature of the book. It was almost as if it could be a glimpse of what her life could be. That was what it really started saying to me. Their similarities just to close in to many ways to not in my mind have something to do with the lose of the woman I loved so dearly. Just to be clear what I mean by lose, I mean she no longer wanted to become a part of my life that she wanted to see where other paths would take her and not guarantee me any part of her. She told me so many times that if she ever met me she would never leave me. That was her defense for keeping so distant from me. I have no dough in my mind and heart that she loves me none what so ever. I just never believed in what she was saying. I could never get it through to her that I would never let her lose her self just for loving me, that I would always be her supporter believing in her dreams probably more then her. That I would never let her lose site of them always going to be willing to let her find what she needed to be complete in this life doing all I could to help facilitate that in our lives.

There was only one way to prove to her that I wasn’t lying and she never was willing to risk that much to see. For all the things she has done and I am completely confident that she will still do, I was to scary for her to even let a sliver of it become actual tangible realistic. The game was always on her rules, she was the one that had the power having everything I wanted me having nothing she wasn’t willing to live with out. I think from time to time I should have gone against her wishes that I should have just taken what I wanted so badly truly feeling that I am correct in my beliefs that everything will be ok or really that everything would only get better by use having each other. How many times I dreamed and really truly considered doing that very thing, me flying half way around the world forcing her to see me one time if nothing else. Or there was even a time when she was so close I could have just gone and managed to bump into her in Seattle showing her nothing truly changes by us meeting well at the same time everything changes nothing to ever be the same after that point.



BUT



I didn’t, and wont for that matter I love her to much, it has to be her chose, I respected her wishes no matter how much I hate them and didn’t want to lesson. I never wanted to take from her something that wasn’t mine even if it in my mind would have done use both allot of good. I say it would have done us both allot of good because it was torturer having to lesson to her hurt trying to deal with all the decisions she was making for her future, ones I felt could have been done differently only making both of use happy. It’s so hard for someone like me to not be there in her life to protect her; I only can pray in her name offering that protection from my heart. I truly don’t know why she fights so hard against understanding my dreams, always so fearful that she would keep me from them, yet never willing to admit that’s the very thing she was doing by forcing me to leave. She always wanted me to love someone else to find someone new to like wake up and snap out of it, she just doesn’t get there is no one else and as far as I’m concerned I don’t think there ever will be. I never pray for her to come back, I just pray she finds where she belongs. Because my true and only goal in life is to love someone like I love her, that dream is worth every thing in this world to me so if she ever finds her self wanting the same thing I hope the Lord sees fit to send her back to me.





As for me I’m simply just waiting in Gods time, full of faith that what ever happens for me is what should, no more, no less.



Praise be to God





Amen.






Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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