Simply lost

Its simple to understand a part of me that runs my life weather I wish it to or not, love clouds my mind with every waking thought. But my life is rulled by fear as sad as that is its true, I live every day alone and I have started to get better at it only making my heart ake that much more. We are garintyed nothing inlife, and I was told once if you work hard you will get everthing you want in time, and with thouse lesons I have been a very pationt child to now a man, I worked hard then and I work even harder now. The thing is im 22 and I have started to lose the hair on my head, this is like a death tole to somone my age in as many was as I could discribe to you as there is. They realy boil down to about three, finding somone that will love you, getting a job, being happy with your self, these are the main points of what it means to have that happen. I know what has cosed it, my boddy and life is as stress full as it gets I work to much I worry to much I don’t feel good any more or not sence my heart was filled with dought again, like a fool I let my self belive with blind faith to have the floor disaper from beneath my feet only again like I hadn’t learnd the lesson befor. The thing is others can’t notice just yet, but in side of me I know and I don’t know how bad It will get I don’t know how much ill have to live with or really with out. To someone on the out side this seams stuped. Step in to these showes you’re a young heathy smart talinted young man your at the peack of you life in a lot of ways. Yet you don’t have a carrear you don’t have a girlfriend you haven had a real one for over half a decade no matter how hard you have tried they never saw something worth having. The hard part is you could live with that but when you cant look in the mioroer you just don’t now how much time you have you don’t know how much your going to get to work with for how long. If life wasn’t allready an up hill struggle life just through you a hard and dirty curve ball. You don’t hate people for diss likeing balding men but when you lose the shot just because your nolonger in the game it’s a sharp pill to swalow. I’ll admit it I’m afraid everday that I’ll be alown for the rest of my life, that in 20 years I’ll look back and see that I just watched it pass like I was on the other side of the glass, I tried to chang the corse but that was out of my hands being lead by something more then us all. I wish I could say I have a true fath in the lord to take care of the things I want but my life has had far to many disapoitments to feel that way. I have heard the words I love you a few good times in my life but I simply want the same thing I want to KNOW that they truly mean that I’m in love with you that waether I hit it rich or I don’t have a dime to my name weather my hair goes or stays that they love my sole more then they love anything else in this world. I’m so scared that the one I was ment to love wasn’t born of this trip back to this life. That I will have to live this one with out her. I love someone right now probaly to much, because to me she is ever little thing I have ever wanted and the thing is I know what I wanted and she is it and more. I can’t amagen what the preshure must be like for her knowing how I feel about her. But the thing is she has given next to nothing of her self to me even though she tells me she loves me she fights it everday with all she has to keep her heart for her self and to not let it be loved. Im so sad because of it, it makes me angry at times to.


Here is why because I am alown that if some one loved me they would feel the way I feel, that they would want to be here with me if I was like she is to me. I have been damged by weman I gusess I have little faith in them right now. I have all the love in the world to give and every where I turn its spit back in my face, even the weman I loved left it all behind moving on to someone eles. All I feel is I am not goodenough that all my heart isn’t worth anything because no one wants it. I wish I new how to become someone else the thing is I don’t, I only know how to be me and truth be told in not that good at the from the start. I push to hard I ask to much I worry to hard I care in the worst of ways, all I feel is that I must not be of any value because there is nothing worth having from me. What do I have to prove it wrong, ever person I have loved friends and girls and hell in someways my family no longer love me. They have all left. My own family feels I am a burden more then a belssing that my life is to hard for them to take in ontop of theres, that my path is to hard for there hearts to bare. That there loved one more then they have the strangth to keep suporting, I don’t blame them smooth sailing has never been the title of my life and I have never truly cared I just delt with each one as it rose. Its just easy to see at 22 that my life has started to catch up allready, a laidy told me to day that I looked 31 it made me sad to look 31 and have nothing to show for it not even a college story that is like in the moves I have a tragity that of shaksper him self just waiting for the sad twist at the end to happen. I belive there is a god that is a fact in my world, I just don’t understand why I have to work so hard everyday to not even have the life I want. I once met a girl that said she wanted to marry me and to have my children the story gose that I had to live through those words ending up not as a lie because at the time I’m shure with all my heart that the where as true to her as they where to me, but that they didn’t mean anything that they should have, that I have already become the past to her. That I was nothing but a learning block for bigger things ment for her life and that my love for her will only scare my heart again, not being the first time I felt that way form someone. The anger I feel comes from holw acts, that I got nothing from my life that I worked so hard for, god damn it, it pisses me off that one the 28th of aguest 2009 nothing changed in my life. I was promised that on that day it would stop the pain I had been knowing and god let me belive it with my hole heart, now he is leting dought fill the sapce left behind. I know what I want but he just wont let me belive it no matter how many times I say it. He wont fill the order I have placed for inner peace. I will do what ever I have to, become the man god has intended me to become but for some reson he keeps the one tool from me I need to stay alive. Each day I feel my heart dies a little, I don’t know how long it will live for, the day may come when it just quits no longer wanting to love anything. In life we just want anwsers and in this world we get next to nun. I want to know why I was not goodenough for any of the ones that loved me. Why is it that I am not goodenough now for the one that say she loves me, why is there nothing I can do to just hold her one time so I can stop feeling so fucking alown. I hate that I feel that with out her in my life I am walking around only half alive but I do and thats all I can do. She chalinges everyting that I feel. She lests me have nothing asking for more and I’ll give and give and give just to have the hope that someday maybe I’ll get to hold her as my own. I just wonder why god has to let her put dought in my mind. Why can’t you love me, why cant you let me love you, why do you keep putting blockes in my path to you, why do you keep me as far from you as you can, why do you not care about me above others, theres many others but they stem from those. I don’t care that you have hard time dealling with your feeling that’s not my falt why do you take that out on me, what do I have to do to earn a part of you life. Tell me why am I not goodenough to be the only man in your life what must I do to get there, how do I become that man. Im not sorry I’m fed up being treated by so many like there is always someone better then me. Tell me do you think that because thats how you have made me feel



Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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