It’s been bad lately, worse then I remember. I often wonder if other people feel as lonely as I do I sit and think so often if I am only feeling the tip of sadness that is present in life. That there is a whole blade yet to fallow this precursor, one bluntly sharp and ready to cut me deeper making this state that I’m in seam like childhood as it forces me to grow up as it plunges deeper carving its place in my sole. It’s so hard to explain that my sadness is fused to the way I understand love. I think I have only walked in the shallow end of the pool, the depths of which only parents that fight for that little life to come into this world must feel, or those children that lived in the worst of poverty to be risen up and protected by people that only have love to gain by giving that child a real chance in this world. The deeps of those kinds of love are unimaginable to someone like me, the fear of never having that love in my life the seconded worst fear I have in my young age. This only shows I have no chilled for I have to be leave the moment you hold your own creation in your arms there is no fear stronger then losing that precious little being. So if my sadness is only in proportion to my love then I can only wonder if I were to feel a love like that of a child, then my sadness could feel like the deepest darkest places the human mind can conceive. I wonder often how the pain all works I think of my fist love and how much it hurt when she left me a drift in the world of youth , I still love that 17 year old girl I knew then, but I would guess I wouldn’t recognize the person she has become. The pain of this last woman is one I still fail to grasp, I wanted to cry so badly when she left, I hurt so much, I felt it filling up as the days cared on and on, yet the tears failed to come, even now I may have a tear or two fall from my eyes. As I bag for more to come, wishing to purge the pain from the body that is being poisoned by it. Some how I almost feel as if I am only growing more in love with her as the days pass, the more I fill with the unconditional love that I want so badly to give her the suffering of its enigma becomes more and more evident each time I lose my grip on the loneliness that resides upon me. At points the pain so griping I almost can’t breathe as the absence of air almost panics my heart knowing the sensation of drowning in a room full of air. The thought slithers into my mind “can we die of a broken heart” as my faith in something bigger then me groundes my anxiety, as my lungs fill, full of the greatest addiction of life that of simple air. My hearts rhythm slows dreaming of the life I wish for so badly the wife I some day hope to shower in my love for as many days as we are given togather, never a moment in her life doubting how much she means to me. The little girl that couldn’t have a father that loves her more, able to tell that she is the center of her daddies world even when she is full grown. To a son that only has to give his all and he will forever make his old man the proudest any dad could be, weather he fails or secedes, never a moment his dad wasn’t behind him in pursuit of his dreams. Lastly I really hope that I am capable in this life of adopting a child that only needs a family to become the person GOD chose them to be stronger then so many others yet deprived of the simplest of gifts.
It doesn’t amazed me anymore that people on the outside of my life don’t understand the way I am the way I feel and the dreams I have, they where just there in my life like I had never known any different so too me they are just the way I am, no more no less.
The only thing missing is the key to my lock for I am a dieing bread of man that believes in a life stile built on morality of a time that is all but forgotten in the world that has caged his potential.
Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by
Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a
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Based on a work at
university of montana western undergrad.
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