:Albert Einstein:
Is there such a thing as rationally insane, it is easy for me to justify that in my life I truly feel there is? Because I’m devotedly in love with someone that fulfills me in ways I didn’t even know I wasn’t whole. Yet reality and logic tell a story that is so clear it must be Waterford. I know in my heart how much I love her and that I am ready to give everything to explore that love to the end of my life, if it were to take me that far. But my mind sees all the things that are insane about that. She is only as real as a voice a laugh and a personality that rivals no one I have ever met. And that’s the end my friends I gave a year of my life to those three things asking for more never being permitted the trust to have them. I stuck my neck out, extended my hand once doing both yet having nothing but useless regret for not having one tool in my position at that time to have changed the choose I made that night even though I believe in my heart it would have changed nothing. I can’t count how many times I have started to judge her or did judge her by the actions of others. I try so hard to not feel that I influenced her by the actions I allowed to happen but I do feel as if I only helped play her to the end I made. I know we should learn with people a new every chance we get that are past indiscretions shouldn’t limit others potentials, yet I will never tell her of my demons. Some how I get that is probably what helped us to fail. I never lied to her and I never will I only hope that any question asked is one that needs to be answered because I am very far from perfect I have done things in my life I am not proud of and I believe in trust more then secrets. That is if you can’t love the worst in me than you can never truly love me. For as much as God has given me a heart so capable to love, he balanced me with a dark side that isn’t evil but is one that simply doesn’t mach the loyal sacrificing loving man I am. I don’t question why God chose to make me the way I am I only try to be the best Man I can be. But I was the best I could be for her and it wasn’t enough to convince her I was him. You know “the him” that women look for, that one that has too many tittles or stories or legends or dreams to even be mentioned here. I think it’s because I have wanted to be him since I was first able to understand that that was what someone that was in love deserved. I guess like normal I pushed that on her too I was in capable then to just let her chose it, no matter how bad I wanted that, I pushed the more I tried to pull back the more I pored it on. At times I truly wonder why I feel so strongly. Did I really ever receive enough to warrant the gifts I have willed to her? This is the logical side speaking its mind again. Lets way it out I never once got to see her. Yes I got pictures of her but there is even doubt in that, “there’s not by me” but others and I have no way of confirming that the woman I look at so longingly is the one I am in love with. Because I have never seen her in real life, I have never seen her on a web cam; I have never seen anything that is indisputable. She with held almost everything from me. I couldn’t call her she wouldn’t give me her number, I couldn’t send a letter she wouldn’t give me her address, I couldn’t meet with her for coffee she wouldn’t allow me. She worked so hard to keep everything from me “it felt like” that she could. And the more I wanted something the harder she fought to protect it. Yet my heart knows that none of that matters those are the things that others need to justify how I feel, that’s just not the case for me. I know the woman I love, I know her, in the only way that matters. I know her heart broke to hurt me, I know her heart swelled to say those words. Those simple words I LOVE YOU, I know the tears feel from her cheeks because she loved me in the same way I love her. So I must be insane because I am no longer the same man I was before her. I use to love romantic movies, I smiled when I looked upon some ones baby, I yearned when I saw wedding rings. I just can’t be him any more, and honestly it doesn’t bother me like it did when it first started. My faith in the Lord has grown so much yet it is the same thing that only confirms my dough about what my life has to hold. Simply put it’s out of my hands if I am meant to love anyone, that I have almost no impact on weather she is the one that is the last or if I am going to be one of those men that never finds it. It feels so dishonest every time I even try to say that I will find someone else. That’s when the logical side pipes up, saying you never even knew her fairy tails are in books; Auschwitz is in real life. What is still left of the romantic in me says the picture of her eye on her profile, the place you could say it all started; with that picture on her page. That is only her way of still seeing me even though she is so far away in more then a topographic since. It was the miles between us that helped us find the love that we found; it was the miles between us that have kept it from becoming alive on its own.
Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.
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