Taped Together Dreams

I don’t even know what to say here I want to write about how I have changed but I can’t really jug that being that I can’t see my life from the outside so I only get to make a insightful chose saying that I have changed. I feel different I just don’t feel like I did for the last five years given that’s not terribly long but when you look at it being a quarter of your life seeing how most of use don’t remember much in those first five years or so. I like the direction my life is headed mostly for the first time in my adult life I am headed in the way I “like” not “need” not “have to” nothing for anyone else. I finally have reached all the expectations I had to meet; all the others I can’t do by my self. Part of why I have changed I was so ready and happy to do everything I could to please all those that wanted, hell maybe even needed something from me. That’s just not me anymore I still care about those things that THEY want I just can’t keep living with those expectations on me anymore. When she left “apart of that she is every one of them” each and everyone leaving sure I couldn’t have cared about all of them equally that just isn’t possible. In all honesty I have only ever left two of them and even then one was for the wrong reasons the other was for the right reasons and it shouldn’t count really it was short and was over as quick as it had began. So how is it all the others had the same chose and made the same decision. At this point I can see why something I couldn’t have done at any other point in my life thus far. I was a man it was fun to dream with, not live with, because I was already to prepared for a future and I think each one of them felt that I was ready weather it was them or someone else as long at it was going where I wanted. I think at 22 that’s just not the way anyone really feels in this day and age. It tock the last one that truly meant something to me leaving me to finally open my eyes to “I should be scared“, I have ambitions of my own other then being a settled down man, I should have dreams that are farfetched or in the case of most men I should still be clueless. That is a whole hell of a lot less intimidating then a man that belongs in the 1930s. I believe most everyone around me can see that I lost more then a girl I had never meet, they can see I lost that fearless belief that it was all going to be ok. I kind of just want to go live my own life now because I don’t feel like the guy I just spent 21 years with I guess this is what men in there forties that you hear about feel like. I’ll take that as a blessing this way no one gets hurt other then a sting that must come in the hearts of the few people that still love me. My family must struggle loving me at times not that they don’t want to I know that they do. I really do understand all I have put them through, even down to my sisters kids. I want to meet my own niece and I want to believe that my sister wants that to. I often wish they all truly wanted me as a part of there lives but that’s really just me trying to fill a whole in me that they can never sustain. I love my little niece and there is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for anyone of my family members but I can’t take the pain of being home anymore. I will see her in a few months, and hopefully she doesn’t mind. I get the feeling she won’t. Being home is even lonelier then being by my self, I get to see everyone around me have the thing I had wanted for so long, for as long as I can even remember being able to understand it. They all had it by the time they where wear I am now, into there younger years, the very ones I am already well into. I put on wait each spring trying to cope with the strain of the life I am currently living simply because I hate the life I am in at the moment. For when I comet to something I almost always finish and on top of that finish as best as I possibly could. I came to a town where I thought I could find someone that wanted the things I did, a life stile that is still alive in this world yet I wasn’t fortunate enough to find one of them. Mostly because I’m not apart of there clubs, membership key to that benefit. I bought a house so I could make money "that is slipping away" everyday as i put more work more money in only seeing less coming out. The biggest mistake I have made with this home is I hate every minute I spend in it, only because I built it for a woman that will never see it, never live in it, and never love it. The house just being a reminder everyday all day that I failed in finding her, providing for her, protecting her. No matter what I have in this world it means nothing if she isn’t here with me to share it. I know that’s selfish but its true I want someone in my life that wants to be in mine. It’s just too bad are society doesn’t value that as much as it once did. Its much more get yours first then maybe if you feel like it let someone else in on it, but keep your eyes on them no one is to be trusted in this day and age. Sadly not even the ones we love life constantly shows use lessons of the ones we love hurting use more then anyone else. Well I guess I just tock longer then others to learn it, I want to find what makes me feel good. I for the longest time thought it was love , but she is just like hairowen gets you so high but slowly you start to get less and less from the drug, tell you can’t even get your fix anymore. There are no bigger better drugs to move on to there’s nothing past this addiction, its easy to detox they take your supply with them, each one takes their special flavor and blend back away from you forever to stay with them. You still feel the itch that craving that once was filed when ever you liked, they would pump their love into you for free like there was never going to be a cap for your needs. Well fuck that I rather find something in this life that may not get me as high as their loves did, but at least can’t burry me like their absence has. Sure it might be a craving that won’t ever leave but maybe just maybe I can find something that at times will take its place. I want to find the things in my life that make me happy that no one else has to help with. Like my truck I miss her a lot someday I’ll make the money to put her back in the field, I love when I get to mountain bike I feel the world fade away when I zone in on the ride, I have only ridden a motorcycle a few time but I know its something I want for me. I like the feel of working in a job that isn’t for the faint of heart; it brings out the man that lives inside of me that wants so badly to succeed, to prove that loyalty the faith the dependability it feeds him something that has left me in my twenties being a college student. I look forward to putting on those uniforms I hope I will get to wear in my life. I want to be an officer in a branch of this countries military; I want to do my grandfathers proud. And if I’m lucking enough protect others sons, brothers, boyfriends, best friends, because I know in my heart and sole I’m cut out for it. That the father has blessed me with courage and faith, with loyalty and empathy that I have the stomach to do what not all men where meant to do. I know I will ware the uniform of a solder proudly, yet that will compare nothing to the only dream I can feel in my skin, I want it so bad I would give up all the rest to have it. It would take a lot to stand between me and being a fireman. I already want to go to work everyday in the house with my brothers ready every moment to give all we can to live the fireman’s prayer “


When I am called to duty, God, wherever flames may rage,

Give me the strength to save some life whatever be its age.

Help me embrace a little child before it is too late, or save an

older person from the horror of that fate.

Enable me to be alert and hear the weakest shout, and quickly and efficiently

to put the fire out. I want to fill my calling and to give the best in me,

to guard my every neighbor and protect his property.

And if according to my fate I am to lose my life this day,

Please bless with your protecting hand my family this I pray. ”

I have let the wants of others keep me from the things I want for my self because I wanted to please them. I must have changed because I wouldn’t have felt that way or even thought of saying it out loud. Yet the truth is true non the less, I think the direction I have chosen will satisfy my wants even if they fall short I will at least say I was willing to try and more then try I fought hard to make truly happen. I work daily to keep my motivations up to devote to those dreams what they disserve from me. Because unlike the house I have made a home for someone I will never meet, the goals I have make me proud weather anyone ever knows I did them or not because I only have to prove to my self that I was capable, and I only have my self to let down if I don’t fight as hard as I can to make them happen.










Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.