Where are you

I ask this to my self everyday in varying amounts 365.25 “leap years to” not one day less. I look even though at 23 I’ve grown tired in my search, the road I travel is full of obstacles of all kinds pushing me to you. Yet the question has yet to change Where are you? I wonder have we met have we know each other already for sometime or is it I have been looking in the dark and you are the light house to guide me to shore. I wonder will I know you at first site I know its crazy but I want to believe in that…… that kind of love that is so visual that both know each others soul even though they don’t know each others names. I don’t need us to have it I would be content just being blessed with the gift of getting to love you forever. I wonder have you seen me and I just didn’t see you, do you read the words I write for you just not ready to come forward and risk the life you have lived before me; because I know the life we have after will be one of novels. I all ready know I love you even though I don’t know how you laugh or the way you smile when I kiss you or how afraid you get when doubt creeps in and its me that you realize you don’t want to lose. I can promise you now I will fight all the monsters in life that come even those I bring with me, I promise I will work harder then anyone you know to give you the life you want but I will always make time for you, I promise I’ll never forget how much you mean to me and all you have done always trying to repay you for your gift of love given unconditionally to me. I promise to forgive you for anything in this world you do…. No matter what cause I love you and that’s all anyone should need. BUT Where are you, I know who I am, I am only fine tuning the person I will be, the what of who I am is set in stone God him self would have to change me or…… the subtlest touch of your hand could wash away all the hate that the shower can’t seam to reach. I’m sorry I’m ready now and that you are still needing more from life before you can join that life with mine with a plain band of gold. “ I am sorry” is words you will here from me for I am a man simple and flawed and I hope you can forgive me for trying to be the best I can be even if that isn’t the best in me. All I know is I am weary but I will look for you in the dark even if I can’t see because I will know when I land ashore. When the blindness is lifted like a dense fog and the light of your beauty is all I will forever see.
　
　
Yet for now all I am left with here is to ask my self Where are you?




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Ears open yet the sound of silence is all I hear.

Its not my first run in with heart break, its hard to chose the words I want. My heart has stopped talking to me like it once did, the sadness is all round me. I just want to learn how to be happy. I would have loved to go back and tell that girl that I never liked her and at 16 never have known how much I was missing out on. If I could just talk to that kid to tell him how happy ignorance could make him compared to this man he would grow up to be. If that kid could have known how easy it would be just to want love and never know how much it hurts to deal with the pain that flows like a stream. It some how never flows at the same pace like a spring run off it over flows its banks leting out to much to be handled, to the days where you thought the pain had stopped in the heat of summer with almost no pain running my heart feels almost like it wasn’t broken before. But its just like a stream ever since the first time I was left behind, the pain has never stopped flowing I have at times felt more joy and happiness then the ache of a broken heart, sadly I haven’t found how to find that kind of bliss with my own life with out someone else. I feel the shards of my shattered heart pulsing through my veins making it harder everyday just be happy, to find the bright side of life, I know there is always one I just can’t seem to keep my eyes open long enough to see them the pain coming and going in every moment each days rithem diffent then the days befor. I pray to God to help me find the way to be happy with my self to not need that other half of me, its been 16 years and I still must be doing something wrong, or why else would God keep letting these people come into my life letting me grow deeply in love with them and have to watch as they leave, I must be doing something wrong or why would I still want to find that inner peace each morning waking up still not finding what I have been looking for. Why would they keep leaving if I wasn’t the one that was broken. I just want to fix what ever is wrong with me because rejections isn’t that hard to take but I don’t want to live this life alone, or hell I could come to terms with that life if only I could know that no one would ever want to settle down with me I could do, that I could. I could find a satisfaction in that if just could come to terms with never having that best friend that wants to be there with me in the hardest of times and love me in the best of times. That that person would look in my heart and see I want to be the father to the most precise gift God gives that of a child. I could let that all go if only I could know, really it’s the hope that is just crushing me I can stand the pain but the thought I will just go through this cycle of "hey I make you happy then you see I’m not the one" so then you move on, that I could just be a stepping stone to there real knight in shining armor. I’m just bitter and tired of trying to love people that end up finding i'm just not “HIM”. I wish you could understand how angry I am but really its because I’m not able to be the other half of someone, its just that I can’t fill that missing part of them like its missing in me, that someone is dealing with something like this and it's me not being there that is hurting her and I don’t even know how to fix it, God hear my prayer.










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In a brief moment

It always starts simple enough I haven’t had one this strong in a long time, I looked down at the end of the movie and there she was, Brittney. It was dark but that was the same it was the same, for a moment I posed not knowingly but as a reaction of surprise. As the lights came up it was clear it wasn’t her. That hair was the same I knew that I can still see it. There was always something delicate about it when she was mine and I was close enough to learn it there was no mistaking that same delicate strand soft yet week, the color was close not the same but close.

I remember the last time it happened with Morgan this woman had the same size and shape her hair was only slightly shorter and all the same time I knew it wasn’t her but she looked for a split second like it could have been. I always was connected to her I could feel her when she was close and had no troubles finding her in a crowd it could be hundreds it could be thousands I would spot her. A part of me feels like it was turned off when she left that’s how I knew when I saw this woman that it wasn’t her that connection wasn’t there it did make my skin jolt at first sight it would have been nice to see her, it was nice to even see something that wasn’t her.

I see her around each corner there was this lady, at Casco and my heart stumbled my eyes widened and then the pain set in, it hurts, my eyes watered having to repress the emotion as my hand clenched my chest, it wasn’t Giovanna it never could be. I gazed for a moment imaging what she must really look like as the woman that brought the thought to mind was gone only my emotion left. Her arms weren’t right it was the wrist specifically they went elegant enough her hair was no where near long like it really would be I know that by heart. I only ever saw her from the back but her shoulders didn’t fall right they should have looked like they where at peace not the way this lady looked. I see her all the time every lexis that is the in front of me or parked as I pass by, holding a cup of coffee or just looking right past me they never have her cheeks I would know that face with touch alone. Each time I grow a little sad not having the memories like the others not seeing her in places that I could have been with her these woman never show up on my computer screen. Like the sound of her logging in, it never shocks my heart alive when I see one of them, how it was with her as she would step back into my life that sound only announcing it. I was robbed of even having a past to hate.

For after the sorrow fades the hate starts to fill its place. My mind wonders to dark places as I want to beat the man holding the hand of the woman I want to be with but can’t, I want to show her he isn’t strong like I am that he can’t protect her that he isn’t what I am. The bones in my hands ache from how tightly I clench them wanting to hit anything to feel the hate come out to dig into it pulling more to the surface, my teeth hurt as I push it all back inside of me, having to tell my own body to let my jaw relax so I don’t hurt my self. Who would have guest the best fuel for anger could be unused love unwanted love unneeded love replaceable love. That it all has to go some where, I feel my blood run hot with love so much filling my flesh it begins to burn inside of me. I can only go so long with out having something to love before it starts to curdle like milk growing sour as the days grow one after the other, tell it finally has to be thrown away. Its this lose that makes me so fucking angry that makes me want to hurt people around me to lash out because they have what has been taken from me what I have lost what I can’t have seeing there smiles starts the reaction from there its unpredictable. I only fear I may stop letting love fill me like it once did so it may never be wasted in me for there is no one to harvest my love, filling that need in them that only the sole can command.

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By The Meantime

I never know what eyes and ears may see or hear my thoughts, the words that swell with my feeling. I have been through no more or less then any other person yet I feel like every person I just chose to write in some small way how I felt. I have been reading and hope that it remains a change in my life for as long as I may breathe and that again I fined the strength to pick up the Good Book again reading it like I once did. And I hope to keep learning as I am to better my self and the life ahead of me but enough to the writing.

　

There is a few words that will stick to my sole for the rest of my life and how they grip me in those moments I hope to never lose. “…Breath, the gift of life, is given to us by God with no strings attached.” “Somewhere in the process of being born, we come to expect people to do for use what God has already done for use---give use life and love, with no strings attached.” Sometimes the tags are so small we don’t recognize that they are tags with strings attached until it is time to pray.”(In the meantime, Iyanla Vanzant pages 45 - 46.)

Hitting home like that feeling when you forgot a very important meeting or appointment that when you look at your watch you get to see you’ll never make it. Those words feel like that, each time over and over again, in some small way, its comforting like the feeling of home that you just know deep in you. I have well over a hundred pages onstringshell maybe over two. I have never counted the words, each just tying more knots to a past that once was my future, each page leading to new hopes and dreams the page a canvas for my passion for one thing in this world. God gives use this gift of life to breath each moment of are lifeno stringsGod dose it again for us providing us with all his love and a life time to spend itno strings.Sometimes we are just human and we do all that God has given but we don’t leave thestringsoff like he has done for us, we attach value and needs with hopes to every part of everyone especially if they mean anything to use. We find after time when we sit to pray when we open up the honesty for the Lord to hear from are hearts we see all thestringsthat are bound to us. It’s thosestringsthat let use dictate the direction of are life’s mostly by the ones we cut so we may haveNo strings attached.

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In Gods time

We live are lives such that each day seems like it is the most important yet only as we grow older do we see the blessing of the days still yet to come for there numbers dwindle fewer and fewer. As children we feel as if the world ends when we don’t receive the gifts of simple selfishness. The toy is the wrong cooler or the meal is home cooked not ordered. We are too young to see how lucky we are that these things mean nothing no damage done moving on as if it truly never was. We suffer a different fait the first time we love someone, we feel this emotion that is conflicting southing and utterly confusing. Our fist love is the end of our child hood for some it comes early some it comes to late. Well some how the pain effects us all so differently all well only showing use are humanity feeling the same lose. Some how none ever to shake its wounds, like a fish hook caught on a part of our hearts that never gets removed tugging on the slightest of memories. Suffering the absence of their leaving use behind, that pain still real even in the golden years of our life. When the time comes when we lose someone and we learn death is a cold part of everyday of life. The feeling of someone never to be there in our lives ever again. It doses things to each of use that shape or shift our lives leading us in varying ways. Some how with that lose a small part of use gone forever in their absence, like we barrowed a part of there spirit and they took it home with them. Feeling its absence weather it’s the day they leave us or it's so far from that day that we some how almost forgot they ever were there. Some how the feeling the same realizing they will never come again, not to day or the day we go to meet with them again, they wont walk with us as they once did.

Each lesson learned not when we see fit or on terms we wish. Each lesson not tough with loving care and sympathetic arms to run too, arms where we can pore the pain into from our eyes. Not when we are children feeling as life is about to end sobbing so hard we can’t breath. Not when we are truly left alone for the first time with a heart hurting so bad we feel it braking in our chest thinking we might not make it through that first night. Not when we are touched by death for the first time no matter our age, feeling as if life is something not even real feeling its hurt. The hurt filling us so we don't feel like we once did for only minutes strung together ordays and for some even years, its hurt numbing the life that is alive in all of us.

No all these happen in Gods time, we don’t know when we are children to absorb it all so we could remember how it felt to be young and know the blissful ignorance of knowing nothing of the world, of life, or all that comes with it. No we don’t get to love are perfect partners the first time with the purest of love that we may ever possess. It’s in Gods time if we are blessed in this life to find the one, the one that completes us in ways only God could understand. We don’t know how to let what matters stay holding on like a tiger to pray, well we hold on to things that only hurt what life we so desperately crave. Dragging the pain tell we receive Gods blessing we chose to live with for the rest of are days. No we don’t get to say goodbye, it’s in Gods time when they leave us. We don’t understand how precious are life is or those we love tell their gone and we can’t have them touch are lives like they had when they where in this world. Sadly God doesn’t just give us all the gift to understand how much our life is worth and how we could live each day if we only could understand the Lords plan. Most are lost in one way or another walking the paths the Lord has laid for use to get as close as we can to seeing the gifts of this world that are already in are hands.

Life is in Gods time not ours. I wish it helped me sleep at night. Despite even those simple factssome how the thoughts of you have more power over me. I have no chose but to wait for Gods time, because every day I long to be with you my beloved DipADee. 

Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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class work

so i have  started using my blog for my writings as i had hoped to i am still figuring out how to use a blog like this to its full potently. yet my first week of class has been very good i was ready for a class that was going to test my will to graduate instead i was please to find a class that truly engaged me. as well i have learning in the last week many tools that will help me be well rounded and versed in the "now" feel of tech. i hope this class keeps me on my toes all the way to the end.










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The miles between us

(Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.)




:Albert Einstein:








Is there such a thing as rationally insane, it is easy for me to justify that in my life I truly feel there is? Because I’m devotedly in love with someone that fulfills me in ways I didn’t even know I wasn’t whole. Yet reality and logic tell a story that is so clear it must be Waterford. I know in my heart how much I love her and that I am ready to give everything to explore that love to the end of my life, if it were to take me that far. But my mind sees all the things that are insane about that. She is only as real as a voice a laugh and a personality that rivals no one I have ever met. And that’s the end my friends I gave a year of my life to those three things asking for more never being permitted the trust to have them. I stuck my neck out, extended my hand once doing both yet having nothing but useless regret for not having one tool in my position at that time to have changed the choose I made that night even though I believe in my heart it would have changed nothing. I can’t count how many times I have started to judge her or did judge her by the actions of others. I try so hard to not feel that I influenced her by the actions I allowed to happen but I do feel as if I only helped play her to the end I made. I know we should learn with people a new every chance we get that are past indiscretions shouldn’t limit others potentials, yet I will never tell her of my demons. Some how I get that is probably what helped us to fail. I never lied to her and I never will I only hope that any question asked is one that needs to be answered because I am very far from perfect I have done things in my life I am not proud of and I believe in trust more then secrets. That is if you can’t love the worst in me than you can never truly love me. For as much as God has given me a heart so capable to love, he balanced me with a dark side that isn’t evil but is one that simply doesn’t mach the loyal sacrificing loving man I am. I don’t question why God chose to make me the way I am I only try to be the best Man I can be. But I was the best I could be for her and it wasn’t enough to convince her I was him. You know “the him” that women look for, that one that has too many tittles or stories or legends or dreams to even be mentioned here. I think it’s because I have wanted to be him since I was first able to understand that that was what someone that was in love deserved. I guess like normal I pushed that on her too I was in capable then to just let her chose it, no matter how bad I wanted that, I pushed the more I tried to pull back the more I pored it on. At times I truly wonder why I feel so strongly. Did I really ever receive enough to warrant the gifts I have willed to her? This is the logical side speaking its mind again. Lets way it out I never once got to see her. Yes I got pictures of her but there is even doubt in that, “there’s not by me” but others and I have no way of confirming that the woman I look at so longingly is the one I am in love with. Because I have never seen her in real life, I have never seen her on a web cam; I have never seen anything that is indisputable. She with held almost everything from me. I couldn’t call her she wouldn’t give me her number, I couldn’t send a letter she wouldn’t give me her address, I couldn’t meet with her for coffee she wouldn’t allow me. She worked so hard to keep everything from me “it felt like” that she could. And the more I wanted something the harder she fought to protect it. Yet my heart knows that none of that matters those are the things that others need to justify how I feel, that’s just not the case for me. I know the woman I love, I know her, in the only way that matters. I know her heart broke to hurt me, I know her heart swelled to say those words. Those simple words I LOVE YOU, I know the tears feel from her cheeks because she loved me in the same way I love her. So I must be insane because I am no longer the same man I was before her. I use to love romantic movies, I smiled when I looked upon some ones baby, I yearned when I saw wedding rings. I just can’t be him any more, and honestly it doesn’t bother me like it did when it first started. My faith in the Lord has grown so much yet it is the same thing that only confirms my dough about what my life has to hold. Simply put it’s out of my hands if I am meant to love anyone, that I have almost no impact on weather she is the one that is the last or if I am going to be one of those men that never finds it. It feels so dishonest every time I even try to say that I will find someone else. That’s when the logical side pipes up, saying you never even knew her fairy tails are in books; Auschwitz is in real life. What is still left of the romantic in me says the picture of her eye on her profile, the place you could say it all started; with that picture on her page. That is only her way of still seeing me even though she is so far away in more then a topographic since. It was the miles between us that helped us find the love that we found; it was the miles between us that have kept it from becoming alive on its own.









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Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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Change

 Don’t take a day off.

 Work out and run every day for your self

 Eat healthy 6 days a week no exceptions for your self

 Find an outlet for your pain something positive to help your community

 Let go of your past focus on your future make it what you want

 Forgive yourself and move past your memories

 Keep your head up despite your troubles

 Keep in mind why you need to be successful not for others but for your self









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Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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Ways to say

How many different ways can I say


What words will I use today

My hands write what my heart wants to say

My eyes tell storys only they can convay

My sole screams out every day

Just how many ways can I say

I need you today

I want you tomarrow, no matter the price I’ll willingly pay

I’ll show you the starts or just the warmth of my arms

Give my your hand I’ll give you my heart

What other ways can I say

I want you, I need you, I cant sleep without following your lead, holding my hand well we move are lives forward never looking behind, regret nothing learn from everthing



Ow I know what to say



I love you for ever and always









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Broken life

Im not whining I know many people have it harder then me in almost every way and that people everyday have hearts hevyer then mine broken deeper and so forth and so on. But you know I can’t live someone elses life I wasn’t born some where else I didn’t have some other set of parents I only had mine I only had my life. I wouldn’t take a moment of it back I wouldn’t say that every thing about my life has been a dream because it hasn’t but I like who I am now, I didn’t like the road that got me here but im here and here isn’t so bad you know. I just wonder why everyday I feel the way I do what it was or is about my life that’s always been in the backround ever sence I was a kid as strange as that’s been even for me I have always know I was alown with out her to fill the deep wells of my heart. It’s a hard thing to undersand as a kid to know you should be the second half of someone I was about 8 or so when I finaly figured it out that something about me was just diffent, I had a strange vew of love at that age I know what it felt like but I had no idea what it was I was to young to get it I just didn’t have the experince to understand what love ment I vagely new what sex was I new that it was apart of love in some way but I thought there was really nothing important about it. I just couldn’t grasp that there was something sepcahl about that person that that person was just a person you trused and that they tock care of you and hleped you that you should do that for them to when they needed it. I just was to young to understand that feeling that was in my heart, I just didn’t feel normal I didn’t like feeling the way I did other kids could tell I was not the same in some strange diffent way something was more matcher then other kids about me. The worst thing that could have happened to me was to become a teenager that puberty thing was about the worst because I started to not only understand sex but love but not the nice romatice way your supost to, I got a lot of the sex thing down not so much the romace. I was young and I started likeing weman they looked so atractive I didn’t quite understand when it happened how something changed about it in me I started wonting more from them. I remember getting cought a few times with one or two of my dads Play Boys and having to face that down, I know I was to young to have such a thing my dad a little happy his son wasn’t gay that fear in the back of each fathers head. Know that you don’t know how to handle it having a new fear that your son is a devent one that might not be a good little boy hopeing that all the things you tought him was enough to have there little boy turn out as a good man. I still remember in the 6th grade wanting to sleep with a girl for the first time I remember it in a very nice kid kinda way almost cute in a way we had this little retreat kinda thing in donaly Idaho at this little summer camp we got to spind like 4 days at it I think, this was are first time as kids being told to become men we all sleeped in one bunk I want to say there was 6 in a bunk pluse a adviser to help us and take care of us aka keep us out of truble. You know this was the first time we had to take showers in the same place you know like you do in JUNIOR high really it was big deal. I new a few girls I liked but I was to far ahead on all that inmachurity stuff, and they never really saw anything in me like that you know. But one girl well she finaly got to atractive to not notice she was very eye apealing. So camps over and we are on the buss back and some how or anthor we are siting in about the perfict situatuion im sitting in the back with two of the coolist kids and her and her best friend she was whereing a swimsute top man did she look good in it. Needless to say I don’t really remember how the rest gose from there I bearly remember any of it now. But I remember that hole summer I wanted to be with her, but she was off to some other junior high and my parints just buillt a new house so I was off to a new school. Long story short at the end of that year Kalony Paterson was her name she ended up being in 7th gread with me and it was as if she like had never met me that I was some new asswhole that was the start of my miss trust of the femail gender. I remember the first time I was disenchanted by a girl I secritly loved I was in 9th gread had one bad mistake with a girl she was into me and I was to thick to see it. Any way I was with a friend of mine if you can call him that he was a sioner I was trying out for the varsity football team and Brian Hardwik was his name he told me one day the words that brock my fairy tail into millons of peaces I was a virgen at the time wanting to be with Samantha Rore there was something about that girl that was mostly she was into me and I knew it I just didn’t have the balls when I had the opertonity, she was the first girl I ever rought a poem about. She was my jouleat as it where or atlest as I thought it was in my head I made it more then it was because I was to scared to do anything. So I was at harwicks house and I brought up Sam she was on my mind when I was at his house he just lived up the other side of the street, he at that point told me all kinds of things that crushed my world I wanted to just forget that he ruened my fairytail. At that moment I mostly lost my faith in weman as the angle I saw them to be. I mean I had dirty thoughts and day dreams about her but that was it, the things he said crushed my veiw of the girl I was seacritly in love with, it was a hard day for me. From that time on I always treated weman with more diginty and respect then he did because you never know whos little girl she is whos big sister whos ex-girlfriend you never know what somone else wouldn’t want to hear about that person. That event put me back I didn’t get a girlfriend for 2 more years. Looking back now that 6 months I fanily got with somone was the longes in my life it seams like years. Its funny looking back now that it’s been 5 years sence that summer how much I wish I could forget but how your first love scars you in, some good ways to. I remember the first time we met I was acting all inportant knowing my job inside and out and her it being her first day, I remember standing behind her and thinking “she’ll do” making bad and stupid conversation with her that first time. She told me once I made her really nervise because I told her “ow you people come through here like water” the irney bing that because of her I lost my job and she works there still I think. I remember the first time I had the guts to ask her anything it was really late we just got done at work cleaning and I asked if she wanted to get something to eat and she said yes, that was the start of the end I guess as they say it. As I right this I start to remember things I forgot all about and things I wish I could just forget all about. She was the first girl I ever truly kissed, then a few weeks latter it was her junior prom and as the stryotip goes I lost my virginty she didn’t find that out for a week or two latter. As I look back now I couldn’t have stoped my self that night and in some ways im not shure I would have wanted to because that chose tock me to here and now. But that night I lost something that now I wish I could have known was so spechal to me in so many ways. Im not proud of most the things ive done in my life I feel a lot that I wasn’t a good man, that I had good intenchens but bad disons. She was no exception, I was as happy with her as I had ever been she told me she loved me and maybe for a few reall months of are lives she did I think truly love me, but then she left me. That was the first time I understud what love truly ment to me and that my life was going to be devoted to loving someone at the time I prayed it would be her, theres a country song that talks about unanswerd prayers, and its right thank god for them. My heart is still making it past that lose, you don’t know how to invest your heart the first time. A few weeks after she left me she was being good to me because she loved me and was leting me take her to home coming it was my sioner year so it was inportent to me and I didn’t have anyone else to ask. I worked up this hole skeem to get her back wich now was probaly the most inbarising thing I ever did in my life but that’s a story for another time. We went to diner at Asiogos its not there anymore but it was a nice italan place in the west side of boise. Jen and clint where living to gether for the first time this was just befor they broke up for the sencod time. We walk in the place like we where the only ones there everyone looked at use like there was something spechal to see, we were dressed in pink and black me black shurt and slacks with a pink tiy, she had a pink dress with black spots from maraposas in the mall I went with her to pic it out. I just remember siting there at diner and she brought the topic of us up and then she said she wanted me back. I still feel it in my heart now thinking about that moment. it was the happyest moment of my life still, there has been nothing yet taking thats spot, there has been many good moments but that split second looking at her hearing those words still makes my heart hurt. It lasted for a week longer I think then she left me again and turned into someone I didn’t even know any more, I havent talked to her sence her high school graduation at boise state the week after mine, that was the last time I ever saw her. I tried staying in tuch but I was only hurting my self and she only wanted to forget me in the past. I dated two more girls in high school they both ended in a mess and a huge failer, just learning lessons the way I saw it. My first night befor college having football the next day I stayed in a hotel with my parints in dillon the gest house sewts, that night I charmed a tall 20 year old blond that ended up being the dumist thing I did in my life. That was the worst disiton I made in my now 22 years of life I don’t need to say more then that but life after Kayce Gaub was never the same not for the better eather I would have to say siting here in this cold bed late at night………


The morel of this story is one thing if all of that and more didn’t happen I wouldn’t be in this bed, if I wasn’t in this bed on this laptop writing the very words im righting then I wouldn’t have meet throw some divine power the girl im so madly in love with that im not dating, the differance with her is she still loves me and im scared out of my mind ill lose her if I don’t give it everthing I have. Because if I give it everthing I have and she is taken from me it will be the first time in my life I lived with perppus. And if I get to spend a life time with her then I will have lived one second to no man. Theres millons of words I want to right about her, and in time maybe she will let me but for now there is only three I know to right.









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Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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Taped Together Dreams

I don’t even know what to say here I want to write about how I have changed but I can’t really jug that being that I can’t see my life from the outside so I only get to make a insightful chose saying that I have changed. I feel different I just don’t feel like I did for the last five years given that’s not terribly long but when you look at it being a quarter of your life seeing how most of use don’t remember much in those first five years or so. I like the direction my life is headed mostly for the first time in my adult life I am headed in the way I “like” not “need” not “have to” nothing for anyone else. I finally have reached all the expectations I had to meet; all the others I can’t do by my self. Part of why I have changed I was so ready and happy to do everything I could to please all those that wanted, hell maybe even needed something from me. That’s just not me anymore I still care about those things that THEY want I just can’t keep living with those expectations on me anymore. When she left “apart of that she is every one of them” each and everyone leaving sure I couldn’t have cared about all of them equally that just isn’t possible. In all honesty I have only ever left two of them and even then one was for the wrong reasons the other was for the right reasons and it shouldn’t count really it was short and was over as quick as it had began. So how is it all the others had the same chose and made the same decision. At this point I can see why something I couldn’t have done at any other point in my life thus far. I was a man it was fun to dream with, not live with, because I was already to prepared for a future and I think each one of them felt that I was ready weather it was them or someone else as long at it was going where I wanted. I think at 22 that’s just not the way anyone really feels in this day and age. It tock the last one that truly meant something to me leaving me to finally open my eyes to “I should be scared“, I have ambitions of my own other then being a settled down man, I should have dreams that are farfetched or in the case of most men I should still be clueless. That is a whole hell of a lot less intimidating then a man that belongs in the 1930s. I believe most everyone around me can see that I lost more then a girl I had never meet, they can see I lost that fearless belief that it was all going to be ok. I kind of just want to go live my own life now because I don’t feel like the guy I just spent 21 years with I guess this is what men in there forties that you hear about feel like. I’ll take that as a blessing this way no one gets hurt other then a sting that must come in the hearts of the few people that still love me. My family must struggle loving me at times not that they don’t want to I know that they do. I really do understand all I have put them through, even down to my sisters kids. I want to meet my own niece and I want to believe that my sister wants that to. I often wish they all truly wanted me as a part of there lives but that’s really just me trying to fill a whole in me that they can never sustain. I love my little niece and there is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for anyone of my family members but I can’t take the pain of being home anymore. I will see her in a few months, and hopefully she doesn’t mind. I get the feeling she won’t. Being home is even lonelier then being by my self, I get to see everyone around me have the thing I had wanted for so long, for as long as I can even remember being able to understand it. They all had it by the time they where wear I am now, into there younger years, the very ones I am already well into. I put on wait each spring trying to cope with the strain of the life I am currently living simply because I hate the life I am in at the moment. For when I comet to something I almost always finish and on top of that finish as best as I possibly could. I came to a town where I thought I could find someone that wanted the things I did, a life stile that is still alive in this world yet I wasn’t fortunate enough to find one of them. Mostly because I’m not apart of there clubs, membership key to that benefit. I bought a house so I could make money "that is slipping away" everyday as i put more work more money in only seeing less coming out. The biggest mistake I have made with this home is I hate every minute I spend in it, only because I built it for a woman that will never see it, never live in it, and never love it. The house just being a reminder everyday all day that I failed in finding her, providing for her, protecting her. No matter what I have in this world it means nothing if she isn’t here with me to share it. I know that’s selfish but its true I want someone in my life that wants to be in mine. It’s just too bad are society doesn’t value that as much as it once did. Its much more get yours first then maybe if you feel like it let someone else in on it, but keep your eyes on them no one is to be trusted in this day and age. Sadly not even the ones we love life constantly shows use lessons of the ones we love hurting use more then anyone else. Well I guess I just tock longer then others to learn it, I want to find what makes me feel good. I for the longest time thought it was love , but she is just like hairowen gets you so high but slowly you start to get less and less from the drug, tell you can’t even get your fix anymore. There are no bigger better drugs to move on to there’s nothing past this addiction, its easy to detox they take your supply with them, each one takes their special flavor and blend back away from you forever to stay with them. You still feel the itch that craving that once was filed when ever you liked, they would pump their love into you for free like there was never going to be a cap for your needs. Well fuck that I rather find something in this life that may not get me as high as their loves did, but at least can’t burry me like their absence has. Sure it might be a craving that won’t ever leave but maybe just maybe I can find something that at times will take its place. I want to find the things in my life that make me happy that no one else has to help with. Like my truck I miss her a lot someday I’ll make the money to put her back in the field, I love when I get to mountain bike I feel the world fade away when I zone in on the ride, I have only ridden a motorcycle a few time but I know its something I want for me. I like the feel of working in a job that isn’t for the faint of heart; it brings out the man that lives inside of me that wants so badly to succeed, to prove that loyalty the faith the dependability it feeds him something that has left me in my twenties being a college student. I look forward to putting on those uniforms I hope I will get to wear in my life. I want to be an officer in a branch of this countries military; I want to do my grandfathers proud. And if I’m lucking enough protect others sons, brothers, boyfriends, best friends, because I know in my heart and sole I’m cut out for it. That the father has blessed me with courage and faith, with loyalty and empathy that I have the stomach to do what not all men where meant to do. I know I will ware the uniform of a solder proudly, yet that will compare nothing to the only dream I can feel in my skin, I want it so bad I would give up all the rest to have it. It would take a lot to stand between me and being a fireman. I already want to go to work everyday in the house with my brothers ready every moment to give all we can to live the fireman’s prayer “


When I am called to duty, God, wherever flames may rage,

Give me the strength to save some life whatever be its age.

Help me embrace a little child before it is too late, or save an

older person from the horror of that fate.

Enable me to be alert and hear the weakest shout, and quickly and efficiently

to put the fire out. I want to fill my calling and to give the best in me,

to guard my every neighbor and protect his property.

And if according to my fate I am to lose my life this day,

Please bless with your protecting hand my family this I pray. ”

I have let the wants of others keep me from the things I want for my self because I wanted to please them. I must have changed because I wouldn’t have felt that way or even thought of saying it out loud. Yet the truth is true non the less, I think the direction I have chosen will satisfy my wants even if they fall short I will at least say I was willing to try and more then try I fought hard to make truly happen. I work daily to keep my motivations up to devote to those dreams what they disserve from me. Because unlike the house I have made a home for someone I will never meet, the goals I have make me proud weather anyone ever knows I did them or not because I only have to prove to my self that I was capable, and I only have my self to let down if I don’t fight as hard as I can to make them happen.










Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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I’m sad

Imsad for many reasons yet the true thread is one that is simple and calms ones sole making the sting less then before. When your site comes even though its not trough blue eyes its simple when you see through what it is your heart is saying, seeing clear what has been there.




Imsad for many reasons one small and confusing is that you left its all the others that where so painfully clear that is large and full of longings and disromance in there imaginations absents.







Imsad to have never gotten are fist kiss, more sad to never had are last



Imsad for never seeing a smile on your face, your chose to hide the light of joy from me, keeping the singes of giddiness out of my memories



Imsad I only have a fairy tail to retell not one memory of something I loved so dearly only a story more in come with a dream then the life in the world that’s only in my head



Imsad for knowing your voice yet never knowing your lips, lessoning in the moments eyes closed lips so close hearing more then words as bits of soles flicker through the softest of words



Imsad I never got to give a rose, or maybe more then that, letting out the romantic in me leaving a trail of gerbera daisies for you for no reason just because I loved you



Imsad you never got to feel the pride swell my chest walking with you at my side



Imsad you never got to feel my hands, that I never got to learn the blade of your finger against my face



Imsad you never got to see the fear in your parents eyes when they looked into my sole and saw how much I loved you, telling the simple story of how you no longer where a little girl that you where full grown



Imsad you never got to hold my new born niece, kiss my nephews, talk with my the oldest seeing how young life is still strong and beautiful in her



Imsad you never got to feel me hold your hand with my family all around, feeling the connection in my heart that I was hole and had the most beautiful dream in the palm of my hand, for them to see and love as deeply as me



Imsad you didn’t get to live the proposal I had felt in my heart was the only way you should have been asked to join my life



Imsad that you didn’t get to tell me that you where pregnant with our child



Imsad I never got to tell you I still thought your beautiful even after all of those long years















Imsad you never felt my tears

　

Imsad I never got to dry yours　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

But some how in the druthers of all the sorrow I found berried beneath it all

　

　

























I am happy for you

　

　

Your cowboy always











Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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Invisible Absence

It’s been bad lately, worse then I remember. I often wonder if other people feel as lonely as I do I sit and think so often if I am only feeling the tip of sadness that is present in life. That there is a whole blade yet to fallow this precursor, one bluntly sharp and ready to cut me deeper making this state that I’m in seam like childhood as it forces me to grow up as it plunges deeper carving its place in my sole. It’s so hard to explain that my sadness is fused to the way I understand love. I think I have only walked in the shallow end of the pool, the depths of which only parents that fight for that little life to come into this world must feel, or those children that lived in the worst of poverty to be risen up and protected by people that only have love to gain by giving that child a real chance in this world. The deeps of those kinds of love are unimaginable to someone like me, the fear of never having that love in my life the seconded worst fear I have in my young age. This only shows I have no chilled for I have to be leave the moment you hold your own creation in your arms there is no fear stronger then losing that precious little being. So if my sadness is only in proportion to my love then I can only wonder if I were to feel a love like that of a child, then my sadness could feel like the deepest darkest places the human mind can conceive. I wonder often how the pain all works I think of my fist love and how much it hurt when she left me a drift in the world of youth , I still love that 17 year old girl I knew then, but I would guess I wouldn’t recognize the person she has become. The pain of this last woman is one I still fail to grasp, I wanted to cry so badly when she left, I hurt so much, I felt it filling up as the days cared on and on, yet the tears failed to come, even now I may have a tear or two fall from my eyes. As I bag for more to come, wishing to purge the pain from the body that is being poisoned by it. Some how I almost feel as if I am only growing more in love with her as the days pass, the more I fill with the unconditional love that I want so badly to give her the suffering of its enigma becomes more and more evident each time I lose my grip on the loneliness that resides upon me. At points the pain so griping I almost can’t breathe as the absence of air almost panics my heart knowing the sensation of drowning in a room full of air. The thought slithers into my mind “can we die of a broken heart” as my faith in something bigger then me groundes my anxiety, as my lungs fill, full of the greatest addiction of life that of simple air. My hearts rhythm slows dreaming of the life I wish for so badly the wife I some day hope to shower in my love for as many days as we are given togather, never a moment in her life doubting how much she means to me. The little girl that couldn’t have a father that loves her more, able to tell that she is the center of her daddies world even when she is full grown. To a son that only has to give his all and he will forever make his old man the proudest any dad could be, weather he fails or secedes, never a moment his dad wasn’t behind him in pursuit of his dreams. Lastly I really hope that I am capable in this life of adopting a child that only needs a family to become the person GOD chose them to be stronger then so many others yet deprived of the simplest of gifts.






It doesn’t amazed me anymore that people on the outside of my life don’t understand the way I am the way I feel and the dreams I have, they where just there in my life like I had never known any different so too me they are just the way I am, no more no less.



The only thing missing is the key to my lock for I am a dieing bread of man that believes in a life stile built on morality of a time that is all but forgotten in the world that has caged his potential.










Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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her #4

You know for man that know so much about so many thing I know nothing about my self in a lot of ways like why I get so lonely and sad and get so attached to the memories of a joy full past that rational I get fucked over in but the way I felt then is slowly drowning me in its troublesome ways. Love the one thing I know that I understand about my self is probably my worst skill in life I have this gift and I know nothing about it other then it hurts my life from the minute I found its power. I see her face all the time I think of all the easy I’ll let her down and all the times I will look back and wish that I had tried harder for her I dream of the beautiful children shell bless me with and that I’ll owe her my life for giving me this gift on which ill never find the way to giver hear all the things she deserves and earned for loving me.




I fight all the time with this thing that is thrashing around in side me it clause at my chest wanting to find its refuge its serenity its place of belonging its true home, with you. Each day I find it try to tack hold of me as I drowned it in my pain and loathing. I know I a hard man to love I know this but I know with every breath I have taken and am meant to tack in your percents that ill tresher your love. I find that these words are all that can keep me alive with hope for you. I pray in my own ways that I will be blested with you to complet the part that I cant undersand in side my self. Ive been complacent in my life when given the gifet of love this is what I struggle to come to turms with in my sole I refuse to belive that I did the things I did, that I was willing and more over able to proceed in the tackes that I snached out of opetunitys tight cluch. Saly reported those are tackes and opertunity I wish in my sole had not been tacken so willingly. I try to blive that theres only good in me but I now all to well the eveal that swims in the sole of an honest man. I know the gost of my past theas are things I hope I will never need to share with you. I will never tell you a lie about something that I did and why I did those things. I know that in this world there are many men that are worse then me and many men that are better thin I. but for you I know I will give my life and every beat of the hart that runs it to have you. The word sorry has lost its meaning to me I am already sorry for the things I have done and the things I will do. I wish that I could now why I love you so strongly with out even knowing your face with out knowing your life your past knowing your laugh. A laugh that will bring endless joy knowing that I make you truly happy. The dream of you is one that will only shatter in the world that dayly is trying to bring me lower each day I find that the man in the meor is not the man I want him to be, ive left the man I wance was behind and ill never be him again. Still I want to be more then I am yet I know that that road is one I need more help to clime then I can muster from inside me,










Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
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Simply lost

Its simple to understand a part of me that runs my life weather I wish it to or not, love clouds my mind with every waking thought. But my life is rulled by fear as sad as that is its true, I live every day alone and I have started to get better at it only making my heart ake that much more. We are garintyed nothing inlife, and I was told once if you work hard you will get everthing you want in time, and with thouse lesons I have been a very pationt child to now a man, I worked hard then and I work even harder now. The thing is im 22 and I have started to lose the hair on my head, this is like a death tole to somone my age in as many was as I could discribe to you as there is. They realy boil down to about three, finding somone that will love you, getting a job, being happy with your self, these are the main points of what it means to have that happen. I know what has cosed it, my boddy and life is as stress full as it gets I work to much I worry to much I don’t feel good any more or not sence my heart was filled with dought again, like a fool I let my self belive with blind faith to have the floor disaper from beneath my feet only again like I hadn’t learnd the lesson befor. The thing is others can’t notice just yet, but in side of me I know and I don’t know how bad It will get I don’t know how much ill have to live with or really with out. To someone on the out side this seams stuped. Step in to these showes you’re a young heathy smart talinted young man your at the peack of you life in a lot of ways. Yet you don’t have a carrear you don’t have a girlfriend you haven had a real one for over half a decade no matter how hard you have tried they never saw something worth having. The hard part is you could live with that but when you cant look in the mioroer you just don’t now how much time you have you don’t know how much your going to get to work with for how long. If life wasn’t allready an up hill struggle life just through you a hard and dirty curve ball. You don’t hate people for diss likeing balding men but when you lose the shot just because your nolonger in the game it’s a sharp pill to swalow. I’ll admit it I’m afraid everday that I’ll be alown for the rest of my life, that in 20 years I’ll look back and see that I just watched it pass like I was on the other side of the glass, I tried to chang the corse but that was out of my hands being lead by something more then us all. I wish I could say I have a true fath in the lord to take care of the things I want but my life has had far to many disapoitments to feel that way. I have heard the words I love you a few good times in my life but I simply want the same thing I want to KNOW that they truly mean that I’m in love with you that waether I hit it rich or I don’t have a dime to my name weather my hair goes or stays that they love my sole more then they love anything else in this world. I’m so scared that the one I was ment to love wasn’t born of this trip back to this life. That I will have to live this one with out her. I love someone right now probaly to much, because to me she is ever little thing I have ever wanted and the thing is I know what I wanted and she is it and more. I can’t amagen what the preshure must be like for her knowing how I feel about her. But the thing is she has given next to nothing of her self to me even though she tells me she loves me she fights it everday with all she has to keep her heart for her self and to not let it be loved. Im so sad because of it, it makes me angry at times to.


Here is why because I am alown that if some one loved me they would feel the way I feel, that they would want to be here with me if I was like she is to me. I have been damged by weman I gusess I have little faith in them right now. I have all the love in the world to give and every where I turn its spit back in my face, even the weman I loved left it all behind moving on to someone eles. All I feel is I am not goodenough that all my heart isn’t worth anything because no one wants it. I wish I new how to become someone else the thing is I don’t, I only know how to be me and truth be told in not that good at the from the start. I push to hard I ask to much I worry to hard I care in the worst of ways, all I feel is that I must not be of any value because there is nothing worth having from me. What do I have to prove it wrong, ever person I have loved friends and girls and hell in someways my family no longer love me. They have all left. My own family feels I am a burden more then a belssing that my life is to hard for them to take in ontop of theres, that my path is to hard for there hearts to bare. That there loved one more then they have the strangth to keep suporting, I don’t blame them smooth sailing has never been the title of my life and I have never truly cared I just delt with each one as it rose. Its just easy to see at 22 that my life has started to catch up allready, a laidy told me to day that I looked 31 it made me sad to look 31 and have nothing to show for it not even a college story that is like in the moves I have a tragity that of shaksper him self just waiting for the sad twist at the end to happen. I belive there is a god that is a fact in my world, I just don’t understand why I have to work so hard everyday to not even have the life I want. I once met a girl that said she wanted to marry me and to have my children the story gose that I had to live through those words ending up not as a lie because at the time I’m shure with all my heart that the where as true to her as they where to me, but that they didn’t mean anything that they should have, that I have already become the past to her. That I was nothing but a learning block for bigger things ment for her life and that my love for her will only scare my heart again, not being the first time I felt that way form someone. The anger I feel comes from holw acts, that I got nothing from my life that I worked so hard for, god damn it, it pisses me off that one the 28th of aguest 2009 nothing changed in my life. I was promised that on that day it would stop the pain I had been knowing and god let me belive it with my hole heart, now he is leting dought fill the sapce left behind. I know what I want but he just wont let me belive it no matter how many times I say it. He wont fill the order I have placed for inner peace. I will do what ever I have to, become the man god has intended me to become but for some reson he keeps the one tool from me I need to stay alive. Each day I feel my heart dies a little, I don’t know how long it will live for, the day may come when it just quits no longer wanting to love anything. In life we just want anwsers and in this world we get next to nun. I want to know why I was not goodenough for any of the ones that loved me. Why is it that I am not goodenough now for the one that say she loves me, why is there nothing I can do to just hold her one time so I can stop feeling so fucking alown. I hate that I feel that with out her in my life I am walking around only half alive but I do and thats all I can do. She chalinges everyting that I feel. She lests me have nothing asking for more and I’ll give and give and give just to have the hope that someday maybe I’ll get to hold her as my own. I just wonder why god has to let her put dought in my mind. Why can’t you love me, why cant you let me love you, why do you keep putting blockes in my path to you, why do you keep me as far from you as you can, why do you not care about me above others, theres many others but they stem from those. I don’t care that you have hard time dealling with your feeling that’s not my falt why do you take that out on me, what do I have to do to earn a part of you life. Tell me why am I not goodenough to be the only man in your life what must I do to get there, how do I become that man. Im not sorry I’m fed up being treated by so many like there is always someone better then me. Tell me do you think that because thats how you have made me feel



Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.

Fear

I pray for death that is dose not wait that if it is my fait that the lord simply take. The fight I fight is never won only bloody those on the path left along the way the ones that never where able to keep the ones that one could never make stay, family drug throw not by chose but by love. I fear is a life left to grind on with my fait sealed for that its price preordained to be pay in full on that fait full day, I’m ready I have nothing so I have nothing to lose those around me have a world lost if I am no longer there but its not my chose to die its only my chose to live, I fight fingers dug in grabbing for every inch never caring to where upon the fait that lay at the end one of trials and tribulations or of forgotten loves only to waste away in a memory turning tormenting as the minutes drag to the end. I pray my death is swift with a full no knowledge of. I have nothing to hold me back I have no fight to continue to live if the lord dose so chose to take me home, I only pray I be taken before I have all those to be left behind, death scares me not, not losing this body this life means nothing if I have nothing, I pray I go quietly with no one invested, my fear is to live maimed in the path of a missed opportunity for death to take me, that my living death torches’ those around me like my memories torcher me, a life of solitude is better then watching those around you suffer for your sins. My life is pain I hate that my pain spills over to all those I love especially when its my chooses bull headed stubborn and stupid that take my pain to there place of sanctuary. When love is pain it’s hard to find the where where there is much to gain only making clear how empty life is……

Faith

When looking for the title I found only one word to fit. Fait being the instant winner of the battle of words to form the most important part of each peace of writing the single most powerful grouping of letters that your writing will hold. Channing the title easily can change your hole body of writing, so placing the perfect title can make the most powerful of writing what I hope this will be as I hope they all do yet this one hurts as much or more then all those that I have put down before.




I don’t know what it is about her, how it is I can feel so strongly and so deeply and passionately about her. I have never really gotten anything from her to justify how incredibly devoted I am to the person I believe her to be. For it is only faith in what she has given me that I draw the strength and fortitude to deal and love everything else about her that is so hard at times to handle and cope with. Yet this faith is so clear with really no explanation why that it just makes perfect since to me even if I will never be able to explain to those on the out side how it feels inside of me.



This all stated when I read the book Eat Pray Love by: Elisabeth Gilbert that it all started to become more clear to me why I had to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. That thing was truly let the one person I found on this earth that I could love for just being her, that I would have to let her go. That I could truly love her enough to understand that if it was what she wanted then it was the best gift I could ever give her. It’s a crazy thought to think the best thing you can give to a set of people that are deeply in love is that of complete and utter separation. This book is one that has many good thing and many sad things. I feel that this book might just have been the thing the stole her away from me, and in no way do I mean that in a bad way. The thing you must understand is I truly love her and all I will ever want is her happiness. I know that is something people often say and don’t really mean but for me I understand with her how true that statement really is. People often say that I’m angry at her as the look from the out side in, and that’s because they simply can’t believe that I really do love her unconditionally. There is nothing that would stop me from believing in the love that I have in my heart for her, no action she has done or will do could ever change that. But I do feel this book is what lead her so far away from me.

I remember it all too clearly it was Ester she had gotten to go home to spend it with her family. Not the essayist thing to do when they lived in San Diego she was in Hawaii and her sister in Seattle. But Easter a big holiday in a Catholic home they wanted everyone there and made it happen. It was just after that point that something had shifted in her, something had changed in a way that was going to change things. Looking back now it was all too hard for me to wrap my head around this change that happened. Mostly because she was never very good about opening up to me something I was truly looking forward to spending the rest of our lives working on together, truly hoping that she could someday trust me with everything. Needles to say I was in the dark tell I read through the first 36 parts of that book.



!Now I don’t know that she was even reading this book at that time or not. I only know that at one time when we where still together she was reading it and a few others.!



Upon learning what those pages had to say it simply all fit to well. She in allot of ways shares some very similar things with the caricature of the book. It was almost as if it could be a glimpse of what her life could be. That was what it really started saying to me. Their similarities just to close in to many ways to not in my mind have something to do with the lose of the woman I loved so dearly. Just to be clear what I mean by lose, I mean she no longer wanted to become a part of my life that she wanted to see where other paths would take her and not guarantee me any part of her. She told me so many times that if she ever met me she would never leave me. That was her defense for keeping so distant from me. I have no dough in my mind and heart that she loves me none what so ever. I just never believed in what she was saying. I could never get it through to her that I would never let her lose her self just for loving me, that I would always be her supporter believing in her dreams probably more then her. That I would never let her lose site of them always going to be willing to let her find what she needed to be complete in this life doing all I could to help facilitate that in our lives.

There was only one way to prove to her that I wasn’t lying and she never was willing to risk that much to see. For all the things she has done and I am completely confident that she will still do, I was to scary for her to even let a sliver of it become actual tangible realistic. The game was always on her rules, she was the one that had the power having everything I wanted me having nothing she wasn’t willing to live with out. I think from time to time I should have gone against her wishes that I should have just taken what I wanted so badly truly feeling that I am correct in my beliefs that everything will be ok or really that everything would only get better by use having each other. How many times I dreamed and really truly considered doing that very thing, me flying half way around the world forcing her to see me one time if nothing else. Or there was even a time when she was so close I could have just gone and managed to bump into her in Seattle showing her nothing truly changes by us meeting well at the same time everything changes nothing to ever be the same after that point.



BUT



I didn’t, and wont for that matter I love her to much, it has to be her chose, I respected her wishes no matter how much I hate them and didn’t want to lesson. I never wanted to take from her something that wasn’t mine even if it in my mind would have done use both allot of good. I say it would have done us both allot of good because it was torturer having to lesson to her hurt trying to deal with all the decisions she was making for her future, ones I felt could have been done differently only making both of use happy. It’s so hard for someone like me to not be there in her life to protect her; I only can pray in her name offering that protection from my heart. I truly don’t know why she fights so hard against understanding my dreams, always so fearful that she would keep me from them, yet never willing to admit that’s the very thing she was doing by forcing me to leave. She always wanted me to love someone else to find someone new to like wake up and snap out of it, she just doesn’t get there is no one else and as far as I’m concerned I don’t think there ever will be. I never pray for her to come back, I just pray she finds where she belongs. Because my true and only goal in life is to love someone like I love her, that dream is worth every thing in this world to me so if she ever finds her self wanting the same thing I hope the Lord sees fit to send her back to me.





As for me I’m simply just waiting in Gods time, full of faith that what ever happens for me is what should, no more, no less.



Praise be to God





Amen.






Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.

For a faint moment

“I laugh all the time now, someone once told me I should it is healthy for me and that it made her happy to know I was happy even only if for a moment. I think of that quit often because I laugh all the time now, but it doesn’t make me happy I know what happy feels like it just makes me laugh which dose feel good but I can’t say it makes me happy. “








....I stepped off the stoop leaving my house as the smell of fresh rain brought me back to a world that has only lived in my memories, in an instance many images of my life came back bound to that smell, them different from the one my secession where drinking up yet the home no different then that of brother and sister both different in almost every way yet from the same place they have come. The sent was fleeting the reverence of my sole in the moment something I hadn’t truly felt in so long. It was happy a thing of my past in the weeks and years of late, but that sent brought un-diluted joy for a moment a true filling of happy, back to my life even only for a few sort moments. I love the rain being from a desert living there for my hole life rain is precious it’s rare and I understand that, but its beauty unique to each experience the wafting smell of rain in Montana isn’t like home different then Ireland and not the same in the forest I fought to protect but its all beautiful, happy I could have it reach out and sake my sole today. If you know me you know I hate this town but I will never forget how lucky I have been to live in Montana from its pristine 30 below winters to the crisp fall days to these fresh spring showers. God is all around us we just have to lessen and chose to see.






Any Writings by Zachary S Wilson by Zachary S Wilson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at university of montana western undergrad.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at 77zachwilson@gmail.com.